What is charisma?
Who has charisma?
My younger sister was voted high school class president without running, because she had known and helped pretty much everyone in her class already. She became her sorority’s Pledge Mom for similar reasons - no one could imagine anyone else having the role. She’s a down-to-earth conflict resolver, and becomes the voice of reason, organizer, and trustworthy person to confide with or have a deep discussion with to any group she joins - her friends, her classes, her sorority. She’s extremely level-headed, knows exactly which friends to vent her stress to, and charms everyone she meets. Her emotional intelligence is off the charts, and can always be counted on to think before she speaks.
How to become Charismatic?
emotional speakers engage with a neural pathway called the default mode network (DMN). This pathway, also known as the task-negative network, spans multiple areas of the brain (including the amygdala) and is associated with daydreaming, thoughts about others, and remembering things in the past. Interestingly, its activation is often found to be negatively correlated with the very circuits we rely upon for analytic thinking—those involved in executive functions, planning, reasoning, attention, and problem-solving. “The problem is these two networks have almost no overlap,” Boyatzis said. “They suppress each other.”
If you expect to experience God, or you are in the presence of a charismatic or religious expert, then you believe whatever is going on is correct, and it will lead you to that particular experience, so you don’t invest too many resources in being skeptical and checking
The researchers found profound differences in brain activity based on assumptions made about the speaker. In the Christian subjects, activity spiked in analytical areas of the brain in response to the non-Christian speakers, but plummeted when they listened to the speaker they believed was known for healing powers. These changes were not present in the secular group. The researchers drew parallels to similar experiments done on subjects on hypnosis, noting that hypnotism, when it works, was usually preceded by the massive frontal deactivation—in effect, a “handing over” of executive function to the hypnotist. Further, they found that “the more the Christian participants deactivate their executive and social cognitive networks, the higher they rate the speaker’s charisma post-scan.”
when we are around people we believe to have special powers or abilities—when we have made an implicit decision that we can trust them—we seem to unconsciously down-regulate our analytical thinking.
“We decide very quickly whether a person possesses many of the traits we feel are important, such as likeability and competence, even though we have not exchanged a single word with them,”
because we admire them so much, we tend to hold back our emotions in an almost instinctive effort to show our deference to them, to acknowledge their superior status
A charismatic leader, Aberbach said, “releases the individual of the pressures of life under stress. If you join a group in those circumstances, you feel more protected. But that presupposes the vulnerability of the individual. When individuals feel more secure, they have less need for salvation, less need for a charismatic bond. But when they feel vulnerable, then there is a possibility of a charismatic attachment. This can be very dangerous in certain circumstances.”
“You try to figure out who’s the most difficult part of the room,” Campolo said. “Say you’re at a college campus and there’s a bunch of athletes sitting on the back row. If you don’t get to them, they’re going to hurt you all night long.” So before you get up to speak, Campolo said, you go to the back of the room and talk to the potential troublemakers. “You might say, ‘Hey man, why did you choose this school? How did you get here?’ You try to get those people on your side even before you get up on the stage.” Or you seek them out while you’re speaking, making eye contact, reaching directly to them.
Help people to generate altruistic energy and self-respect
Being at the centre of networks engaged in major social transformation is a formula for generating a huge amoung of emotional energy in yourself! If you can focus it and keep it flowing, you become charismatic.
Charismatic people get their energy off dynamic people and avoid energy drainers “bozos”
Be joyful
I learned this lesson from my brother. He always laughs about the stupidest shit. It could be a gif depicting a squirrel falling from a tree, or funny lyrics, or a fart – his sense of humor is what you could call simple. The point is, he is constantly entertaining himself. Himself is key because he doesn’t do it for others. Everyone is welcome to join him and see what’s so funny, but he doesn’t try to make others laugh. If they do, cool. If not, then he has fun on his own. By doing that others get drawn to him, and become curious why he has so much fun. Everyone wants to be around fun people. It adds value to their lives. Trust me, no one ever forgets the guy who made them laugh. But everyone forgets (or at least avoids) the clown who tried to be funny for two hours.
Being interesting is about making the world around you interesting. People who are funny are usually depressed; their continuous desperate attempts to make the world around them interesting being the source of their humour.
You become charismatic not by doing interesting things, but by making things you do interesting. Not by a checklist, but by being so present that you extract so much more meaning from a simple thing. Everything about your life is so interesting! Like every stupid little thing. And when you talk you make it interesting by virtue of the fact that you believe it is interesting (even though it is objectively boring). Because that you X is interesting is an immutable fact and then you change your performance and perception to make it interesting so that you can live with that fact.
You have to be interesting to yourself. All those spontaneous thoughts, the ones which you think are obvious and trivial and meaningless, are only obvious and trivial and meaningless to you; the other person hasn’t thought them, they don’t know what you know, what is clear as daylight to you is an interesting insight to them. So speak up, put your thoughts out there, weave stories and arguments with conviction and confidence and don’t back down in the face of pressure or lack of reaction.
Believe you are interesting.
Be grateful.
“I want to learn more and more to see as beautiful what is necessary in things; then I shall be one of those who makes things beautiful. Amor fati: let that be my love henceforth! I do not want to wage war against what is ugly. I do not want to accuse; I do not even want to accuse those who accuse. Looking away shall be my only negation. And all in all and on the whole: some day I wish to be only a Yes-sayer.”
Make a point of thanking those with thankless jobs. Who or what is helping you right now? What are you doing to give back? Keep the gift moving forward. Our smallest actions count. Everything we do has the potential to help others. Compliment strangers if you feel like it. And feel like it! Make “thank you” your mantra.
Leverage your strengths.
If more people would just focus on taking advantage of their strengths, on focusing to expand themselves to the highest level instead of trying to patch their weakness they would be much more happier and ahead in life. Instead of focusing on your lacks, on what you are missing and feeling like you are never. Your weaknesses are there for a reason, to steer you towards your greatness. The moment you accept them, you accentuate your strengths and your life goes on the offense.
Everyone is better at some things than others. Define yourself by your strengths, not your weaknesses. Acknowledge your weaknesses and figure out how to work around them, but don’t let them stop you from doing what you want to do. “I can’t do X because I’m not good at Y” is something I hear from entrepreneurs surprisingly often, and almost always reflects a lack of creativity.
Be at the cause, not at the effect .
Instead of always reacting from your environment and from the triggers that other people give you, set the rhythm of how you want to live your life. Stop asking for permission from others to be great and to do the things that bring you joy because your happiness will always be dictated by other factors out of your control. You will be at the effect of various circumstances. When you choose to stand by your values and your core beliefs, when you are congruent in your thoughts and actions you will set the rhythm and the effect for everything happening around you, like ripples in water. When you are the cause, nothing can phase you, because everything you do and feel becomes a choice. In return you spread value to everyone around you
Start thinking of your life as a gift you can give to others.
Make Others Look Good
A good improviser is very altruistic by nature. One of the ground rules of improv is: make sure the other person looks good. When you watch two improvisers on stage, you can easily see this habit at work. They do not try to outshine the other person. Instead, they make strong choices that set others up for success. What choices do you make as a leader that sets other up for success? Gush Over People. Make them feel and look good. People will forget what you said, but they’d remember how you made them feel. Make People Feel Good. Leave conversation partners better than they were before you entered. (When you talk ill of someone, people associate those ills with you). Trigger emotions: Make them laugh, Really listen to problems and dreams, huG longer, Don’t take yourself too seriously. Use fewer words and easier sentences but express them with more emotion. * Be unexpectedly helpful and courteous. Tell stories
Live Assertively
Speak your mind. Have an opinion, even if it might piss some people off. And disagree if you disagree. No sacred cows
Be blunt, be controversial, be real . You can’t become memorable by always playing it safe. Everyone wants to be liked, and most people avoid conflict like the plague. But by doing that, you position yourself in the middle. Neither A, nor B. Neither black, nor white. People remember extremes, not mediocrity. By doing that, you will instantly become more interesting and as a consequence more memorable.
Be irreverent. I don’t mean you have to be crude (though you can be), and, certainly, humor is more than just irreverence (though when you combine irreverence with great facility with language, you’re definitely in the ballpark), but irreverence is crucial. If you divide topics in to “funny” and “not funny,” you can’t be funny. If you think, “don’t go there,” you can’t be funny. If you think, “too soon,” you can’t be funny. I’m not saying you should always say what’s on your mind. I’m saying that inside your head, you must be irreverent. If you feel guilty for having certain thoughts – even if you don’t speak them – you’re going to be humor impaired. You must have the thought, enjoy the thought (no matter how wicked – especially if it’s wicked), and then you can decide whether or not to voice it. But if you curtail your thoughts or have internal sacred cows, you’re too constrained for comedy. The least funny people tend to be arch conservatives and extreme liberals – people so righteous that their values become sacred to them. “How many radical feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?” “One, and it’s not funny!” We all know the type. They exist on both sides of the political spectrum. I know Christians who get extremely offended by jokes about God. I also have a devout Christian friend who regularly makes jokes about Jesus’s cock. He’s not afraid to “go there.” Jokes don’t shake his faith. He believes God has a sense of humor. If you’re a fan of Louis C.K., you know he adores his kids. He’s a pretty big celebrity, but he refuses to work more than half of each week, because he wants to spend the rest of the time with his daughters. Yet listen to how free he feels to be irreverent about them. What’s the most important thing in your life – the thing you feel most strongly about? Are you ready to dump poop on it?
Don’t be afraid to ask questions. It’s not about what you do, it’s about the way you do it. (Duja asks questions all the time.)
Stand by what you believe in, especially in the face of opposition. It’s that simple. Someone yells a racial slur that you find offensive, and you say, “that offends me”. Boom! Your self-esteem +2 points. You act timid and don’t say anything. Your self-esteem -2 points. I understand it takes courage. It’s not all downhill. A person can justify or rationalize all they want. “It really won’t hurt me to let this slide, I can’t change his mind anyway.” You didn’t stand up for what you believe in, your esteem went down. Fact. Call out bullshit when you see it. For errors, apologies can be delivered later. It’s easy to hook up with questionable people because you are lonely – don’t succumb to that temptation. People will use and abuse you if you let them. If it feels wrong, it’s probably wrong. Walk away and try again. Never be afraid to say no to something that feels wrong. And I mean wrong – not scary. Because everything is scary at first. Everything. If you aren’t scared you aren’t trying. Accept being scared. Everyone is scared but most people can hide their fear. Wait and see what happens next.
Show zero tolerance for insubordination: Speak up immediately and respectfully. Catch disrespect before it turns into abuse and insubordination.
Intentionally make mistakes
There are no mistakes and the way you are supposed to be. The key is that you are enough. You know enough. Just have natural reactions. Don’t exert to be funny. To be unapologetic and just be, just go on, no matter what.
Break routines and see what happen when you do so.
If, like many people, you’re scared of screwing-up and making mistakes, it can be helpful to sometimes intentionally make mistakes, just to see what happens. By doing this, we challenge the beliefs we hold about the way the world works. When we do something that we assume will not work, we get to explore a space that would otherwise not be visited by ourselves or by others. In the process we often discover little treasures waiting for us.
What this looks like in practice is just being fucking weird every now and then.
Make mistakes, If you are not making mistakes, you are not improvising. Be like a turtle: stick our your neck to make progress. When you screw up, say “Ta-dah!” and take a bow. Mistake? Focus on what comes next Let go of outcomes. Cultivate a flexible mind. Be Flexible…An improviser never really knows what he will be confronted with, so he should not be too fixated on following his own plan. He has to be willing to abandon his own ideas and go along with other people’s. Flexibility also helps to create new associations and connections.
Make mistakes, please (p. 113)
Dare To Fail It’s very important that a great improviser dares to fail. It is the opposite of trying to prevent every mistake. If you try to control the whole situation, you end up spending more time and money instead of making the mistake and learning from it. And learning from mistakes is a vital part of improvisation (and leadership). So go for it, fail fast and learn fast
It is okay to be wrong! Correctness doesn’t matter, at all! Be confident playful and keep shooting with your intuition. Stop thinking about consequences (emails, messages, remarks etc.)
Fake it until you make it is a misconstrual. The better advice would be “Keep making it until it doesn’t feel like you’re faking it, because you actually aren’t becaue there aint no such thing as perfect and there’s always room for improvement”.
Control how you feel. bhavnanaon ko sumjho
Don’t try to think think up words. Rather, try to feel a certain way. Control what you feel – not what you’re expressing.
Words come by automatically. Feeling are central. Ideas are secondary. Our brains are horrible at distinguishing fantasy from reality (think about how scared you got last time you watched a scary movie, even though you knew it was just a movie).
Begin to align your verbal and nonverbal communication by focusing on the emotional intent of your message. Then stand up straight, pull your shoulders back and hold your head high
Examples:
To feel positive, think about something or someone you love for a few moments before an interaction with someone. Your positive emotions will show, and your conversation partner will respond in kind.
Pratice the feeling of Yes, and…. When you get a piece of information from another actor, first, accept it as fact and second, add a little bit more information to it. Say Yes, and… The first lesson that an improviser learns is to accept every offer that is made. This basic rule is known as ‘Yes, anding.’ This principle allows improvisers to be positive and always look for new directions and opportunities. By saying ‘yes,’ you accept an idea ‘and’ you develop the idea further, making it better. An idea will quickly grow if you’re positive. You also validate the person making the offer, which opens the door to communication and collaboration. Look for the positive spin, for what is right. Interpret everything as something positive ,
“If this is true, what else is true?”
People are going to forget what you told them, but they will remember what you made them feel. Giving people your full presence makes them feel like they’re center of your universe. It isn’t about how you make people feel about you. It’s how you make them feel about themselves.
Tact is the ability to treat people the way they see themselves. What this means in practice: to communicate your message in such a way that fits with the identity, values and worldview of the other person.
If there’s one thing the human mind does well, it’s interpreting human emotion. I was at the Exploratorium with a friend a few weeks back, and we saw an exhibit on this. We sat facing each other, each each with a list of ten phrases (e.g., “I really like you,” “I’m cold,” and, “Can we go now?”) Then we took turns holding up a mask that covered our face – except the eyes – and thinking about one of the phrases. The unmasked partner had to guess which. Using nothing but my eyes as a reference, my partner got nine out of ten correct.
Listen To understand, not to respond
Forget that you are being watched. Live in the space of your situation and engage with the idea space. So often we listen just long enough to get an idea of what the other person is talking about and then we start to prepare our response, while they are still talking. This is “listening to respond.” Instead, it’s better to “listen to understand”. Visualize what the other person is saying. Listen till the last word of a sentence. Exercise: Play Last Word, First Word. Next time you are having a conversation with someone, focus on what they are saying, really listen and then keep listening until you hear the last word of what they’re saying. Then start your response with a word that begins with the last letter of their last word. It will force you to listen all the way through rather than getting caught up with your own inner monologue.
Listen to Understand… Many leaders listen just enough to respond. Cue sound bites from any political debate or town hall meeting. How many of us listen to understand. When having a conversation, do you think about what you are going to say next? Is your response run through the filter of ‘agenda’? Active listening facilitates understanding and authentic connection. This requires one to be “in the moment”. Which leads us to…The first key to being well spoken is making others feel well heard. We focus too much on what we should say next, formulating witty responses in our heads instead of giving full presence to the person talking. Art of listening is as important as art of speaking. When the other person feel truly “heard”, that person will perceive you are caring about what s/he is saying, and this may make you appear more likable and better spoken.
Watch the colour of the eyes of your partner. See their souls!
Observe the physical sensations in your body. Your face. Your toes. How and what do you feel right now? Get in the habit of knowing how you feel right now and where you hold tension.
Focus on the colors in the eyes of your conversation partner. It’s cool to notice the flecks and arrays in their irises. It brings you to the present. And it makes people feel like you’re having some kind of deep, cool moment. Don’t be creepy and overdo it, though. A little goes a long way.
Do this for a split second, and it will reset your mind.
Study how they do it
Recommended Books
Improvise: Scene from the Inside Out by Mick Napier
This book will make you feel angry that you could have been doing this all along, and then it will make you happy that now you know.
The Small Cute Book of Improv by Jill Bernard.
The world’s best improv book by volume. It is incredibly small (20 pages, each of them sx by six inches) but packed with great advice delivered with fun. The revised edition (“now less small!”) contains some mini-essays that on their own would justify the cost.
References