Plunge into the sea of language and splash around in it. Almost all humor (except situational and physical humor) is rooted in language: jokes, puns, anecdotes, observations, funny stories… So make English (or whatever your native language is) your home and visit every room. Read constantly, write constantly, care about each word you write, try writing poetry, and so on. The good news is that humor works in any vernacular. Jerry Seinfeld and Chris Rock speak differently, but both love words. So your goal shouldn’t be to speak like someone else. It should be to plum the depth of your own style of speaking – to expand your vocabulary and expressiveness in ways that fit your personality. It may seem as if this has nothing to do with being funny, but the more you play with words – the more expert and relaxed you become with them, the more you flirt with them, fight with them, mangle them, and coin them – the more avenues you’ll create for humor to slip out.
“Wit consists in binding together remote and separate notions, finding similarity in dissimilar things (or dissimilarity in similar things), and drawing the mind from one word to another”
True, spontaneous wit results from using language to defend an attitude which runs counter to what is expected, or which is hard to defend. It is a kin to a creative solution, showing a third way when there seem to be none, and the joy comes from the discovery and the reveal. Honesty is always nuanced, and if done right, even funny.
“As a VC there are certain things you’re not allowed to say. Being the Best College is one of them. But I can say that this is the warmest reception I have received” - Louise Richardson, newly appointed Oxford VC, on her first to HMC
Here one is trying to be polite, yet at the same time maintaining the view that he doesn’t think much of the man:
“A modest man, who has much to be modest about.”
Here too, Diana implies she is not happy, without adhering to the British etiquette of saying anything negative about anyone.
“Well, there were three of us in this marriage, so it was a bit crowded” - Diana
Often the the reveal comes from looking at things from a different, or wider perspective. One can connect different perspectives to compose forms such as irony.
“It is a sobering thought that we still have to be given a sermon on humility”- Louise Richardson, after a sermon in our college
“I love you too”
Keeping your frame and yes…and is the key to unlock the third way. Keep the importance of framing and metaphors in mind.
You can bring down consults by framing them as agony aunt, a grandma willow.
By sticking to your truth that McDonalds is trash and yes anding…, Wendy’s twitter account is able to come up with great roasts.
” Well, you see, women are considered bad luck in our industry,” and everybody froze, the CEO and all the people in our group from Bain and Company. I just turned around and said, “Well, in that case, I think that you should make sure that I go to every single one of your competitors.”
Bring attention to someone’s weakness, but only indirectly*
Oh, I admire your confidence in wearing this dress…Very nostalgic
insincere overly exagerrated sweetness
See a door with a gentleman on it, but don’t let that deter you…
One of the greatest quotes has to be from Denis Skinner (the Beast of Bolsover) in the House of Commons he referred to the Tory members saying ‘half the members opposite are crooks’. Denis is so left wing he’d be in prison in the US. He was rightly taken to task by the Speaker who told him he couldn’t make such accusations in the House. Denis apologised and rephrased his statement saying ‘half the members opposite are not crooks’ even the Tories laughed.
“I would like to immediately and unconditionally apologize to Colonel Gaddafi, for confusing him with the brutal and unpredictable dictator Saddam Hussein, and wish to point out that it was a pure slip of the tongue on my part, and in no way could Colonel Gaddafi be described as a violent or mentally unstable man.”
Despite introducing herself, Ms Harlow insisted on addressing her repeatedly as “ Margott “, by the final course Mrs Asquith had had enough, “ No my dear, my name is pronounced Margot, the “ T “ is silent, as in “ Harlow “ !! …
“Oh who told you that, your __?”
Last I checked…
If someone calls you immature, say “that’s what my kindergarten teacher says.”
If someone calls you fat, say “ten more pounds and I’m ready for the Santa suit.”
And if you don’t think you can come up with one-liners on the fly, you can simply give a knowing look, and say, “you don’t know the half of it” or “yeah, it’s worse than you think.”
What I am telling you is that I am not thinking about (Obama on Sarah Palin) Frankly, me dear, I don’t give a damn Know what’s funny? You know who I am and I have no idea who you are. Other options: Smirk, Raise Eyebrows, Dismiss, Roll Eyes, Yawn.
“I wasn’t trying to be difficult…”
“I did not want to shag his friend” (JP to Thierry)
Talking you yourself again, Kenny? Harharharhar(stupid laughing). Better than talking to you, Mark,”
You don’t have the best of track records in that department….
Don’t be thowing stones when you live in a glass house!
Are you projecting your own….?
Says the person who.. [Woah Woah Woah….A person from Pakistan, of all people…]
Takes one to know one
Voice of experience speaking
You and I have so much in common
TWSS
If “Plan A” didn’t work. Don’t worry; the alphabet has 25 more letters
Dear MATH, stop asking to find your X, she’s not coming back.
Hey, I found your Nose; it was in my business again.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
Think twice before you speak, you’d be able to say something more Insulting.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
Thats, just, uh, your opinion man. I don’t remember asking for your opinion.
Procrastination is like masturbation, it’s all good and fun until you realize you are only fucking yourself!
I like my salad how i like my women. Without any dressing.
”Do you need a hug?”
“Don’t let your emotions get the better of you”
“You seem stressed”
“Is there anything that I can do for you?”
“That’s why you love me”
To Women: I am good in bed/ I am turned on To Men: Small Penis/Your Mom
Repeat in a funny voice
C’mon lets be honest here
Lets be real
Who are we kidding?
Thank you, for proving my point.
I wouldn’t expect any less
I refuse to have a battle of wits with someone unarmed
You flatter yourself…
High school trope (What are we, still in high school?
GO and show strength or power (ACTION COMEBACKS e.g. go and touch them while making eye contact all the time, or take something of theirs) OR Threaten (SAY THAT AGAIN? I WOULD CUT YOUR DICK OFF/ I would break your legs)
‘Its ok man. It’s your college, so you can say it” (when it isn’t)
What a beautiful gesture!
I’m so sorry my sarcasm is making me more creative
A woman was asked whether she liked this other person. She paused for a second and said “…I think she’s very beautiful.”
If it’s an online interaction, you can praise them, say, for not overusing apostrophes or for understanding where commas go. Come to think of it, even if you work with this person in so-called “real life” you can praise their apostrophe use or the clever way they use capital letters correctly..or what have you, as they say.
If they are, perhaps, trying to make themselves “useful” to you, you can always say brightly - “Oh I so appreciate that you are willing to help me. I will be sure to get in touch when that’s necessary.”
Or a lovely conversation ender which I’ve seen many an English person use to brilliant effect: “Ah, but don’t let me keep you.” (even when the annoying person clearly still wanted to continue the discussion.)
“I could see you really getting good at what you’re doing someday”
These shoes look comfortable, don
You know what, now that I’m telling it, it’s not as funny as it sounded in my head.
All right, all right. That joke’s better than you acted. Perhaps it’s not. Maybe it’s dumb. It could be. I hear you, man. I’m not a fuckin’, genius, for Christ’s sake, you know? I’m just tryin’ to tell some jokes. Shit, who the fuck are you? That track is number 14. It’s called “Attitude.”
“I hate technology” [in an elevator] “ Then why don’t you take the stairs”
Movie Scenes:
“This [Liverpool team] reminds me of the Arsenal’s invicibles”
“Except they aren’t invincibles”
“When it comes to numbers, India wins at most things!”
“Like Rapists”
“It is England but India has more support in the stadium, and the pitch is completely assisting your spinners. Says a lot about our hospitality, right…””
“Well… we let you rule our nation for so many years. I believe that’s the least you can do for us” (courtesy Harsha Bhogle:)
Where did you get your Boobs from? “Assume Its at the corner of x (“Stop talking to me”) and y (“You can’t afford them”…)” - Amy Schumer to a heckler
“The improviser has to be like a man walking backwards. He sees where he has been, but he pays no attention to the future. His story can take him everywhere, but he still has to balance it and give it shape, by remembering incidents that have been shelved and reincorporating them.”
Most people play golf in ways that do not resemble a mosh pit at a punk concert.. This has resulted in some people raving about the dangers of people playing golf, as if they were juggling chainsaws in a nursery school…
Construction might be more difficult, since most of the construction that I see has two guys digging holes, and five people standing around talking. Maybe it would be safer with one less guy digging holes
Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!
X will open Pandora’s box
Playing with Well Known Idioms or Allusions
“There are, it has been said, two types of people in the world. There are those who, when presented with a glass that is exactly half full, say: this glass is half full. And then there are those who say: this glass is half empty. The world belongs, however, to those who can look at the glass and say: What’s up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don’t think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass! Who’s been pinching my beer? And at the other end of the bar the world is full of the other type of person, who has a broken glass, or a glass that has been carelessly knocked over (usually by one of the people calling for a larger glass) or who had no glass at all, because he was at the back of the crowd and had failed to catch the barman’s eye. ”
“This isn’t life in the fast lane, it’s life in the oncoming traffic.”
If you come to a fork in the road, take it.
“In fact, the mere act of opening the box will determine the state of the cat, although in this case there were three determinate states the cat could be in: these being Alive, Dead, and Bloody Furious.”
“There is still time to save the face; later we will be forced to save some other parts of a body.”
Although we do not know where we want to go, we will be there first. If you don’t know where you’re going, you might not get there.
List of idioms
put meat on the table
offer an olive branch
Deliberate Misinterpreation by placing emphasis on different part
asked about why he shook hands with the British Foreign Minister: “And which part of him would you have me shake?
Say something raw and simple when intellectual is expected
“Wine we need for health, and the health we need to drink vodka.”
Upon being asked why brothels are legal: “People would f*ck ‘us’ if we shut down the brothels”
Snowclones
Snowclones: The key to catching attention, evoking amusement, sticking in the head and becoming viral:getting the message across to millenials without being ridiculed
“Thanks for holding the fort. All quiet on the western front?”
“This agression will not stand, man”
Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal
“10 Points!” (instead of Yes)
Death by X
“Great Minds…. think alike”
Don’t count your chickens before they hatch
Everything you heard is true”
RegressWho will watch the watchman?
Draw on the distinction between Idea and Execution. An idea might be right, even if the execution is flawed
Saving Capitalism from the Capitalists Rationalism from rationalism
Liberalism from liberals
Saving Xism from the Xists They didn’t care that they had seen in practice because they already knew it couldn’t work in theory.
He’s got quite an eye for a player, has Jurgen. He’a not a bad writer that Steven Chicken Taking one for the team
Asking for a friend
Came for the X but stayed for the Y
In Which X ….
“Oh, my sweet summer child,” he said. “Those groups are not different. They are absolutely the same people.”
That’s above my pay grade
Companies ask for a GitHub profile. Recruiters ask for a GitHub profile. The question “Do you contribute to open-source?” is now one of the most common questions asked in phone screens. If people want a GitHub, we shall give them a GitHub.
You can have your X and Y it too. (“You” “can’t” “have” “your” “use” “and” “mention” “it” “too.” –Douglas Hofstadter) Nothing says X like Y
I got 99 problems but X aint one
Whose Xing the X?
Consider the X
X considered harmful (The use of smileys, !!!, considered harmful)
He may be a X, but he’s our X
Come for the X, Stay for the Y.
The mother of all X
Y’all. Cookin’. good ol’
And I. But here we are. Seemed impossible that a mighty thing like it should ever topple, but here it was.
I kid you not
They share food, nobody fights, good times are had by all . Believe you me.
A mean something. Stritch plays a mean piano.They always put on a mean Sunday brunch. X strikes again. “Ken and Barbie strike again”
But saner heads prevailed.
Mistakes were made
When has that ever stopped you?
Legend has it…Rumour has it. Word on the street is…
Sending ‘the kids’ to Russia to get beat
Gentleman’s agreement
“Look no further”
“X ahoy”
Couldnt be farther from the truth
Anne Brontë ALSO ordered a drink, you guys
Suit yourself. By all means. Knock yourself out. Feel free.
Checkout Woebot for cool conversation
“From now on, let it be said/known …”
hear me out on this one
Not even false!
Breaking Bread:
A. We all came to my home to break bread and share stories. B. Are you coming to break bread with us? We’re going to that new steakhouse that just opened up. C. Hand me one of those cigarettes. Break bread with your old pal, would ya?
“If you desire the spleen, and will laugh yourselves into stitches, follow me.
leave to the imagination
to what do I owe this pleasure
“Dress for the job you want”
“If you’re good at something, never do it for free”
Brekkie. Me Likie.
trouble was afoot
The tournament is a lesser competition for their absence. X was no lesser for
Telling It Like It Is (Used by Scott Adams to “Telling it like it isn’t”) From your high horse/ivory tower/take the high road
I would not breathe life into this/I would not dignify this with a reply
Repetition Based Rhetoric
The first rule of Fight Club is: you do not talk about Fight Club. The second rule of Fight Club is: you do not talk about Fight Club. - https://lifehacker.com/5715912/how-to-plant-ideas-in-someones-mind “Education, education, education”
“Girls, girls, girls!”
“The horror! The horror!” (Conrad, Heart of Darkness)
Technically but a salaried subordinate, Rupert Baxter had become by degrees, owing to the limp amiability of his employer, the real master of the house. He was the Brains of Blandings, the man at the switch, the person in charge, and the pilot, so to speak, who weathered the storm.” (P.G. Wodehouse, Leave It to Psmith, 1923)
“It’s not just a razor. It’s a 3-bladed irritation-minimizing pressure-controlling will-make-your-lady-love-your-face-even-more sensitive shaving machine.”(Print advertisement for Gillette Mach3 safety razor, 2013)
“Our experts describe you as an appallingly dull fellow, unimaginative, timid, lacking in initiative, spineless, easily dominated, no sense of humour, tedious company and irrepressibly drab and awful. And whereas in most professions these would be considerable drawbacks, in chartered accountancy they are a positive boon.” (John Cleese as a guidance counselor, Monty Python’s Flying Circus)
“Apart from better sanitation and medicine and education and irrigation and public health and roads and a freshwater system and baths and public order, what have the Romans done for us?” (John Cleese as Reg in Monty Python’s Life Of Brian, 1979)
‘most unkindest cut’
‘dearly beloved’
‘gathered together’
examples of laziness:
added bonus, free gift, safe haven, mutual comparison, foreign imports, general public, past history
deliberate, for effect:
‘A kiss is still a kiss / A sigh is just a sigh”
Some people have the temerity to say we didn’t deserve that.
For the kid, whose first experience of watching a World Cup was that handballing, cheating little git robbing us of a semi final…
For the kid, whose second World Cup was watching England play the best we’ve done in decades at a World Cup only to have it ripped away in a penalty shoot out…
For the kid, who didn’t even get to cheer England on in the States because we didn’t qualify…
Referencce
“You and I, as citizens, have the power to set this country’s course. You and I, as citizens, have the obligation to shape the debates of our time – not only with the votes we cast, but with the voices we lift in defense of our most ancient values and enduring ideals. “ - Obama, Inaugural Speech, 2013
“We shall not flag or fail. We shall go on to the end. We shall fight in France, we shall fight on the seas and oceans, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shalldefend our island, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills. We shall never surrender.” - Winston Churchill
Wherever there’s a fight so hungry people can eat, I’ll be there.
Wherever there’s a cop beating up a guy, I’ll be there.
And when our folk eat the stuff they raise and live in the houses they build – why, I’ll be there
“Government of the people, by the people, for the people”
“the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth”
Repetitions give a feeling of closure and inevitability, a good point to then open up an unexpected exit, escape route or alternative
Lord of the Rings film ‘Return of the King’: “it is not this day … it is not this day … this day, we fight!”
“Together, we will make America strong again. We will make America wealthy again. We will make America proud again. We will make America safe again. And yes, together we will make America great again.” — Donald Trump
The king is dead; long live the king.
Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something
Beatles song ‘Yesterday’
‘a lie begets a lie’
‘nothing will come of nothing’
wake me up before you go – before you go, you must sign my book
We glory in tribulations also, knowing that tribulation worketh patience, and patience, experience, and experience, hope, and hope maketh man not ashamed — Paul the Apostle, Epistle to the Romans
“Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.” — Yoda, Star Wars.
“What I present here is what I remember of the letter, and what I remember of the letter I remember verbatim (including that awful French).” —Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita
“The general who became a slave. The slave who became a gladiator. The gladiator who defied an emperor. Striking story! “ - Gladiator (the movie)
“If the soup was as warm as the wine, if the wine was as old as the turkey, if the turkey had breasts like the maid, it would have been a fine dinner.” - Anonymous (also an example of a periodic sentence.)
“Bond, James Bond”
“O Captain! My Captain!”
Oscar Wilde: ‘I wish I had said that’ “You will, Oscar, you will” - James McNeill Whistler
‘crisis, what crisis?’
from sea to shining sea’
‘To be, or not to be’;
“They told me, Heroditus, they told me you were dead”;
“Ignorance, Madam, pure ignorance”
“Mud, mud, glorious mud” (note this last has the form of aaba)
repetition of words in successive clauses in transposed order (Chiasmus and antimetabole)
The main difference between the two is that antimetabole will reverse the exact words in the sentence, while chiasmus will reverse grammatical structure, not necessarily with the same words.
“Eat to live, not live to eat.”
“Humility is not thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less.” – C.W. Lewis
Do not save what is left after spending, but spend what is left after saving
If you buy things you do not need, you’d have to sell things you need. “If X Z, then opposite X, opposite Z”
“A place for everyone, and everyone in their place.”
“Failing to plan is planning to fail.”
I have executed men for less. But they were lesser men.
‘it’s not the men in my life, but the life in my men’ (Mae West)
“Who sheds the blood of man, by man shall his blood be shed”, Genesis 9:6
chiasmus of vowels / assonance: “In Xanadu did Kubla Khan” (a-a-u-i-u-a-a) “beneath the thunders of the deep” (ee-ee-u-u-u-o-u-ee)
“Mankind must put an end to war, or war will put an end to mankind” (John F. Kennedy)
‘when the going gets tough the tough get going’
can be a subtle change in meaning “tea for two, and two for tea / me for you, and you for me
“All we need is love. Love is all we need!, ‘Love is all you need‘ Beatles
Repeart the word in a different form (Polyptoton)
“The Greeks are strong, and skillful to their strength, Fierce to their skill, and to their fierceness valiant;” William Shakespeare, Troilus and Cressida
The rest of those who have gone before us, cannot steady the unrest of those to follow.
“Preach ye not, they preach.” Micah
“With eager feeding food doth choke the feeder.” William Shakespeare, Richard II
“Not as a call to battle, though embattled we are.” John F. Kennedy
“Thou art of blood, joy not to make things bleed.” Sir Philip Sidney
“Absolute power corrupts absolutely.”
“Who shall watch the watchmen themselves (Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?)
“Diamond me no diamonds, prize me no prizes…” Alfred, Lord Tennyson
“Judge not, that ye be not judged” - Matthew 7:1
“It is the same with all the powerful of to-day; it is the same, for instance, with the high-placed and high-paid official. Not only is the judge not judicial, but the arbiter is not even arbitrary.” — G.K. Chesterton
Please, please me’ (Beatles)
‘There are songs to be sung’
The principles that were principled were non-principled.
Word Based
The right is ours. Have it, we must. Use it, we will.
It is an ancient Mariner,. And he stoppeth one of three. ‘By thy long grey beard and glittering eye,. Now wherefore stopp’st thou me?
‘Blue Moon’, ‘high as a kite’, ‘happy as Larry’, ‘how now, brown cow?’, ‘nine live
“I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.” - Martin Luther King, Jr
“And the silken sad uncertain rustling of each purple curtain” - Edgar Allan Poe
“bewitched, bothered and bewildered”,
“The only completely stationary object in the room was an enormous couch on which two young women were buoyed up as though upon an anchored balloon . They were both in white, and their dresses were rippling and fluttering as if they had just been blown backin after a short flight around the house. I must have stood for a few moments listening to the whip and snap of the curtains and the groan of a picture on the wall. Then there was aboomas Tom Buchanan shut the rear windows and the caught wind died out about the room, and the curtains and the rugs and the two young women ballooned slowly to the floor.” “Evidently some wild wagof an oculist set them there to fatten his practice in the borough of Queens, and then sank down himself into eternal blindness, or forgot them and moved away.” “At least once a fortnight a corps of caterers camedown with several hundred feet of canvas and enough colored lights to make aChristmastree of Gatsby’s enormous garden. On buffet tables,garnished with glistening hors-d’oeuvre, spiced baked hams crowded against salads of harlequin designs and pastry pigs and turkeys bewitched to a dark gold.” “A dead man passed us in ahearse heaped with blooms, followed by two carriages with drawn blinds, and by morecheerful carriages for friends.” “While we admired he brought more and thesoftrich heap mounted higher —shirtswith stripes and scrolls and plaids in coral and apple-green and lavender and faint orange, and monograms of Indian blue.Suddenly, with a strained sound, Daisy bent her head into the shirtsand began to crystormily.” “For Daisy was young and her artificial world was redolent of orchids and pleasant, cheerful snobbery and orchestras which set the rhythm of the year, summingup thesadnessand suggestivenessof life in new tunes. All night thesaxophoneswailed the hopeless comment of the Beale Street Blues while a hundred pairs of golden and silver slippers shuffled theshiningdust.” “I heard a carstopand then thesound of someone splashing after us over the soggy ground” “And as I sat there brooding on the old, unknown world, I thought of Gatsby’s wonder when he first picked out the green light at the end ofDaisy’s dock.” So webeaton, boats against the current,borne back ceaselessly into the past.”
Give a breathless or excited feel to the writing:
Mrs. Hurst and her sister allowed it to be so—but still they admired her and liked her, and pronounced her to be a sweet girl, and one whom they would not object to know more of. - Pride and Prejudice, Jane Austen
Help create the effect of a child’s voice:
He was caught in the whirl of a scrimmage and, fearful of the flashing eyes and muddy boots, bent down to look through their legs. The fellows were struggling and groaning and their legs were rubbing and kicking and stamping.
Pile things together so that the overall effective is numbing or distancing:
I said, “Who killed him?” and he said, “I don’t know who killed him but he’s dead all right,” and it was dark and there was water standing in the street and no lights and windows broke and boats all up in the town and trees blown down and everything all blown and I got a skiff and went out and found my boat where I had her inside Mango Key and she was all right only she was full of water.
Add Weight or Gravity to the Words
Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds. (Unofficial motto of the US postal office)
Asyndeton: The Opposite of Polysyndeton
Night gathers, and now my watch begins. It shall not end until my death. I shall take no wife, hold no lands, father no children. - Night’s Watch in Game of Thrones
Idea/Concept Based Rhetoric
As clear as mud
Antithesis:
bringing out of a contrast in the ideas by an obvious contrast in the words, clauses, or sentences, within a parallel grammatical structure. Oscar Wilde is known to have extensively used antithesis:
“The well bred contradict other people. The wise contradict themselves.” - Oscar Wilde
“Fashion is what one wears oneself. What is unfashionable is what other people wear.” - Oscar Wilde
“Immature poets imitate; mature poets steal” -Eliot
‘Wicked women bother one. Good women bore one
If you’d asked me to summarise the situation of Turkey in a word, I’d say good. If you’d wanted two words, I’d say not good.
We don’t need a plan, we need rice.
Although seemingly ingenious, Wildean antitheses are, in fact, quite formulaic:
Roughly speaking, the formula goes something like this: “X is Y. Not X is not Y”
You don’t make peace with friends. You make it with unsavory enemies (Yitzhak Rabin quote used thrice in Game of Thrones)
darkness visible
‘I would be deceiving you if I said yes’
“we are not amused”. Queen Victoria
“The war situation has developed not necessarily to japan’s advantage” - by the then Japanese PM announcing Japan’s surrender in WW2
I am not thrilled about…/I am not crazy about/ I am not happy with..
Mrs. Lindsay: You certainly look cool. Yogi: Thanks, you don’t look so hot yourself.
“it’s not unusual (to be loved by anyone)” [Tom Jones]
Orwell was a proponent of clear language and attacked litotes in a little footnote in his famous essay “Politics and the English Language”:
One can cure oneself of the not un- formation by memorizing this sentence: A not unblack dog was chasing a not unsmall rabbit across a not ungreen field.
Groucho Marx provided the best answer to this question when he was invited to join an exclusive gentlemen’s club and responded, “I wouldn’t join any club that would have me as a member.” By using humor, he both snubbed the snobs and poked fun at himself.
All animals are equal, but some are more equal than others
Research is what I am doing when I don’t know what I am doing. (repetition, paradox)
“In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded.”
If the world were perfect, it wouldn’t be.
It was impossible to get a conversation going, everybody was talking too much.
Nobody goes there anymore. It’s too crowded.
Susan hated Literature. She’d much prefer to read a good book.”
Sound of Silence
‘back to the future’
If you don’t make a big deal out of an issue, there is no issue left.
“I am not going to speak much, otherwise I’ll again say something.”
“It has never been like this and now it is exactly the same again.”
‘pigs will fly’
‘get blood from a stone’
‘hell will freeze over’
Meaning no, by stating an impossibility:
‘You might as well try to…’
‘Not until…’
Tautology
With malice towards none, with charity towards all - Lincoln.
Tautology based on connotations of words.
You can observe a lot just by watching. You guys wouldn’t have won if we had beaten you. If you can’t imitate him, don’t copy him.
Name the parts [especially opposites or extremes] to convey the whole, and include what is in between or left out (Merism)
‘from head to toe’
‘Night and Day’
Sadly so many people confuse egotism with self-esteem. They ain’t the same zip code. (zip code for address)
No place like 404
Metonymy: something that is physically touching serves as a noun to represent the whole
‘Downing Street says …’
‘the suits are in charge’
‘blue stocking’
Priced at Rs 370 a kg, the mithai brings many well-heeled Delhiites to this congested part of the city. During his Lahore bus ride in 1999, the then Prime Minister Atal Bihari Vajpayee had carried Mr Jain’s khurchan as a gift for his Pakistani counterpart, Nawaz Sharif. Three months later, India and Pakistan started the Kargil war.
Synecdoche: part of something to express the whole
‘was this the face that launched a thousand ships?’ (Marlowe, ‘Dr Faustus’),
‘And did those feet in ancient times’
‘fall of the Berlin Wall (ie collapse of political separation between East and West)’
“she made no reply, up her mind, and a dash for the door”
“Mr Pickwick took his hat, and his leave”
‘offer tea and sympathy’
‘make love, not war’
makes us notice the writer / speaker
‘out of your mind, out of a job’
“They covered themselves with dust and glory.” (Mark Twain)[
When he asked “What in heaven?” she made no reply, up her mind, and a dash for the door.” (Flanders and Swann, “Have Some Madeira M’Dear”)[4]
“Miss Bolo […] went straight home, in a flood of tears and a sedan-chair.” (Charles Dickens, The Pickwick Papers, Chapter 35)
“Lust conquered shame; audacity, fear; madness, reason.”
subject begins the sentence and controls a series of verbs is a “disjunction”
The Roman people destroyed Numantia, razed Carthage, demolished Corinth, and overthrew Fregellae.
“We shall pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe to assure the survival and the success of liberty.” (Inaugural address of John F. Kennedy)
governing word placed at the end.
Assure yourself that Damon to his Pythias, Pylades to his Orestes, Titus to his Gysippus, Theseus to his Pyrothus, Scipio to his Laelius, was never found more faithful than Euphues will be to his Philautus.
governing word occurs in the first clause of the sentence.[
“Lust conquered shame; audacity, fear; madness, reason.”
Histories make men wise; poets, witty; the mathematics, subtile; natural philosophy, deep; moral, grave; logic and rhetoric, able to contend.
governing word occurs in the middle of the sentence and governs clauses on either side.
What a shame is this, that neither hope of reward, nor feare of reproch could any thing move him, neither the persuasion of his friends, nor the love of his country.
We go a long way for you (Logistic company) The pleasure of our company (Sex company)
“Harmonious colors” or “Silky voice”
“She smelled the way the Taj Mahal looks by moonlight.” - Raymond Chandler
drank in the sight
silky voice’
‘warm blue’
I ain’t got no dogs in that fight!
‘so be it’
‘we was robbed’
‘love me tender, love me sweet’ [should be adverbs – love me tenderly, love me sweetly]
‘love springs eternal’ [should be adverb – love springs eternally]
‘Do not go gentle into that good night’ [Dylan Thomas]
The grammatically incorrect use of words for creative expression (Catechresis). Catachresis is often used to convey extreme emotion or alienation. It is prominent in baroque literature and, more recently, in dadaist and surrealist literature. a sentence that is so wrong, it works!
Mow the beard, Shave the grass, Pin the plank, Nail my sleeve
‘dance me to the end of love’
‘curiouser and curiouser’
‘Thunderbirds are go’
‘a green thought in a green shade’
The replacement of a word with a more ambiguous synonym (cf euphemism).
Saying job-seeker instead of “unemployed”.
“They fuck you up, your mum and dad” (‘This Be The Verse‘, poem by Philip Larkin, 1971)
“Nobody heard him, the dead man” (‘Not Waving But Drowning‘, poem by Stevie Smith 1972)
‘They are not long, the days of wine and roses’
“I came, I saw, I conquered”
“sun, sea, and sex”
things that come in threes are inherently funnier, more satisfying, or more effective than other numbers of things.
Ex: “Eat, Pray, Love”
“Pyaar, Ishq aur Mohabbat”
LSD
Liberté, égalité, fraternité
In comedy, it is also called a comic triple. Two is the smallest number of points needed to establish a pattern, and comedians exploit the way people’s minds perceive expected patterns to throw the audience off track (and make them laugh) with the 3rd element.
“Lies, damned lies, and statistics”
pair makes us look for a pattern or connection – the third element can therefore be an effective surprise if it then breaks the expected pattern (jokes use this).
Can alliterate as well:
wine, women, and song.
Can rhyme:
ready, steady, go.
3rd element can have the most syllables or words, but is not necessarily the most important
“Friends, Romans, countrymen”
“mad, bad, dangerous to know”
been there, done that, got the t-shirt
“Life, the Universe and Everything”
‘float like a butterfly, sting like a bee’
‘marry in haste, repent at leisure’
‘Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done’
‘Have a break, have a Kitkat’
‘The future’s bright, the future’s Orange’
2 adjectives for an adverb and adjective when one could be used to modify the other, as in nicely warm.
e.g. nice and warm
For emphasis an adjective-noun form is replaced by a noun-and-noun form.
Instead of saying ‘I’m going to the noisy city’ you say ‘I’m going to the noise and the city’”.
As a Liverpool fan I am so pleased that Jordan Henderson is having a great world cup, providing the glue and solidity.
Sir Southgate needs to have a strong word about focus and cool minds.
2 verbs joined by ‘and’ rather than ‘to’ [“go and see”, rather than “go to see”
“go and see”, rather than “go to see”
“the image and horror of it”. King Lear. Does this mean an imagined horror, or a horrific image, or both?
Applying an adjective to the wrong noun (Transferred Epithets).
An epithet is an adjective or adjectival phrase that characterizes a place, a thing, or a person that helps make the characteristics of this thing more prominent.
Epithets employed by a skillful orator, will be found to be, in fact, so many abridged arguments, the force of which is sufficiently conveyed by a mere hint.
‘We ought to take warning from the bloody revolution of France
the Epithet suggests one of the reasons for our being warned; and that, not less clearly, and more forcibly, than if the argument had been stated at length.
The New Rhetoric derives its empiricist flavor from a pervasive respect for clarity and directness of language. Rhetors use epithets to direct their audience to see their point of view, using verbal forms of imagery as a persuasive tactic. Orators have a variety of epithets that they can employ that have different meanings.
The most common are fixed epithets and transferred epithets.
A fixed epithet is the repetitive use of the same word or phrase for the same person or object.
A transferred epithet qualifies a noun other than the person or thing it is describing. This is also known as a hypallage. This can often involves shifting a modifier from the animate to the inanimate. tends to give our surroundings human qualities
“cheerful money” and “suicidal sky”.
‘he smoked a nervous cigarette’
‘an astonished piece of toast fell from his grasp’ (Jeeves)
‘disabled toilet’
‘The ploughman homeward plods his weary way’ (Elegy Written In a Country Churchyard)
‘lonesome road’
‘restless hotel’
‘Guilty Secret’, ‘dizzy heights’, ‘Happy Days’, ‘lonely nights’
Multiple devices
“If you wish to become a better writer you must write every day, and if you wish to become a fiction writer, you must write fiction every day. Thinking about your novel is not writing. Plotting is not writing. Character mapping is not writing. Only writing is writing. And the more you will write, the better you will get. It is that simple, and it is that hard.” Notice the rhetorical devices at work? ( Anaphora, Epiphora, Antithesis)
“‘Come in,’ I say. The knob turns, and in walks Bade Bhai. Even with bees buzzing inside my head I sit up straight. This is not just another rich asshole. He’s the asshole of all assholes. He flicks the cigar into the corner. Lets the door slide shut. After the click, he waits for a moment. Holds his gaze. Blinks. Then smiles. It’s the smile I’ve seen on the faces of thieves, child molesters, murderers, politicians. A smile of love. Compassion. Brotherhood.” (Alliteration? Anadiplosis? Tricolon? )
“the rich get rich, and the poor get children” – This neatly combines several rhetorical devices, with a delightful twist. The first phrase is a straight diacope. The rich are then contrasted with the poor (antithesis). The second phrase mirrors the grammar of the first, making an isocolon, but instead of getting the diacope we expect (‘the poor get poor’), our expectations are cleverly confounded with a joke.]
Metaphor Inducing verbs
ploughing the library
laboured
Surveyed the contents
sashayed; rumbled, growled, loomed over
When Jose Mourinho is soon drummed out of English football
clouded
Movement: scurried, dashed, tiptoed, darted
squirm, writhed
teetered on the brink of X
careened across the Internet like a drunk
Short/One-word Contextual Metaphors
Nietzche had no stomach for palliatives. Regard love as a challenge rather than a balm.
Imagery or Specificity to Show emotions, don’t tell
they work best when they carry symbolic weight, when they appeal to our senses, when they’re not too elaborate and when they evoke an emotional response. The short story - ‘Symbols and Signs’ by Nabokov is a treasure trove of symbolic images –
Whether you’re writing humor or anything else, the same rule applies: use specific detail,” said Dikkers. “These little pieces of specific detail are critical because they help the author paint a picture that enables the reader to feel an emotion.” And almost all writers should strive to conjure an emotional response, as it’ll compel people to take action: to laugh, to hit the like button, to take out their credit card and make a purchase.
“A few feet away, under a swaying and dripping tree, a tiny unfledged bird was helplessly twitching in a puddle.”
“As she looked around, trying to hook her mind onto something, it gave her a kind of soft shock, a mixture of compassion and wonder, to notice that one of the passengers—a girl with dark hair and grubby red toenails—was weeping on the shoulder of an older woman.”
When Louisa May Alcott was a child, her father Bronson asked her to define what a philosopher was. She replied, tongue in cheek: “a man up in a balloon with his family at the strings tugging to pull him down.”
“Across the narrow courtyard, where the rain tinkled in the dark against some ash cans, windows were blandly alight, and in one of them a black-trousered man, with his hands clasped under his head and his elbows raised, could he seen lying supine on an untidy bed. She pulled the blind down and examined the photographs.”
“Watched Murkowski entire time. Her demeanor changed a bit after Collins & Flake voted aye - her vote no longer the deciding vote. She looked down for a while, closed her eyes, blinked a bunch, then looked up with resolve. When her name was called she stood and said ‘no’ softly.”
In this situation, Beck accepted the surprising British and French offer of a mutual assistance pact, “between two taps of his finger against his cigarette,” as a British diplomat wrote, describing the scene.
Adjectives come from a judging, detached mind, while “Show, don’t tell” comes from a perceiving, engaged mind. To write well is to be in the perceiving engaged mind, where the ego is absent.
Contradictions, opposition, inversion and violation of expectation is at the heart of wit
Memorable Expressions follow two principles:
Key to wit and humour: Make things interesting (OX1 instead of Oxford, Golf O’Clock, Trainsbury), Use metaphors, use specific words, exaggerate simple things and understate big things, borrow from popular sources (Ars Longa, Vita bravis)
Camouflage
A comment masquerading as one thing and then revealing itself (generally a few seconds later, when the audience has caught up) as something else, usually an amusing insult.
In the early 1980s, I was at a slightly dull dinner party where the host, who was a very talkative, but far from charismatic soul (shall we call him David Smith to save his blushes?), was holding forth in what he believed to be amusing terms. His wife was enthusiastically encouraging his “humour”. The man next to me turned to our end of the table and quipped: “Ah David Smith… half man, half wit.”
A work colleague pitched up wearing a ridiculous checked very ill fitting so made to measure suit and the chap opposite said before the suitwearer had sat down “I have just had Bertram Mill’s Circus on the phone asking if Coco the clown can have his suit back” brilliant spontanious cruel wit
I feel Google got to him first :(
I think there’s something wrong with one of us…
Years ago I attended a function in a village hall when an impromptu talent spot was held. One young man who had recently bought a saxophone, decided to attempt to entertain. Not only could he not muster a tune, he barely managed to achieve anything other than a series of off-key squeaks. Eventually he paused and said “Funny. It sounded okay when I played it at home.” One of the audience piped up: “Then play it at home!”
“How long’s the next bus?” With typical a British wit and dadness he replied ““Twenty three foot six….the same as this one.” To which she said “Oh, and will it have a shithouse on the back the same as this one?” Dad’s reply “ ‘Op on love.”
When Rangers’ legendary goalkeeper Andy Goram went public that he had been diagnosed with schizophrenia, fans greeted this revelation with characteristic sensitivity. As he walked onto the pitch, a chant came from the stalls: Two Andy Gorams! There’s only two Andy Gorams…
Evocative Metaphor
What do you know, Angelino is galloping down the left again like a giddy little pony in a wide open prairie.
Overstating the ordinary
fascinated, not merely interested
famished, not merely hungry
the weather is ominous or exhilerating, not merely bad or good
Nietzche is intolerable, not merely boring
trauma instead of inconvenience
Talk bombastically about some triviality
the Korea expert’s children made an entry, though they declined to weigh in on the matter
two cats … alighting opposite one another on my visage, betook themselves to indecorous contention for the paltry consideration of my nose. (“Loss of Breath” 2:159)
There comes a day in every man’s life when…
It is said than men fail not because they lack talent, but because they lack perseverance. And so go the unremarkable lives of most among us. The vicissitudes; the mundane responsibilities; that ever-present millstone of daily burden; it wears down the ambition, and replaces passions of youth with aspirations of middle-aged mediocrity. And yet, improbably, here was a man who had unbound himself from the shackles of the mundane. He had persevered; he had thwarted adversity; he had fought the good fight! At long last, he was about to revel in the spoils of his triumph. Victory was the reward for perseverance. And now, after all this time, victory was nothing if not inevitable. This was Charles Lindbergh, lining up for an historic landing at that Paris airfield. It was Bobby Thomson, rounding third base after that pennant-winning home run. And it was Daniel LaRusso—having just subdued his opponent with a crane-kick so perfect even Miyagi himself could scarcely have defended against it—awaiting the referee’s inevitable pronouncement of that sweetest of all sweet utterances: “Winner”. And then, suddenly, without warning, that joyous daybreak of near-victory turned into the darkest of night. more….
The main thesis of this book is: the human race is pretty damn close to crafting technologies that will overcome our biological shortcomings and allow us to live forever as machine-enhanced androids stuffed with nanobots. However, we still need a few decades to figure this stuff out, so if you stuff your face with meatshakes, eclairs, and potato chips, you and your clogged arteries will just miss the immortality boat and you’ll go down in history as one of those “fat fools who could’ve had thousands of years of interesting things to do but just had to have another Pringle.”
“Death: “THERE ARE BETTER THINGS IN THE WORLD THAN ALCOHOL, ALBERT.” Albert: “Oh, yes, sir. But alcohol sort of compensates for not getting them.”
For example: Goku is terrified of the needle, but is unflinching in the face of adversity.
“Reaching last eight in Europe will feel hollow for Pochettino. It’s fine. But it’s not the league cup is it”
“These big VAR nights are ruined by the lengthy intervals of football”
“Vacation is what you take when you can’t take what you’ve been taking any longer.
compare with
Vacation: When you spend thousands of dollars to see what rain looks like in different parts of the world.”
We have completed all the items: from A to B.”
I have been on a diet for two weeks and all I have lost is two weeks.
“[They] covered themselves with dust and glory.”
Sometimes I need what only you can provide - your absence.
“If you trust in yourself. . .and believe in your dreams. . .and follow your star. . . you’ll still get beaten by people who spent their time working hard and learning things and weren’t so lazy”
“I did not eat your delicious chocholate”
I am not saying
, but I am also not not saying X....
They were not exactly prostitutes, but they were also not exactly anything else.
Fundamental Truths/Follies of human thinking!
Future: That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured.
In this day and age, if you don’t plan your day, someone or something else will.
“If you’re not paying for the product, you are the product.”
If you dont pay for the product you need, you would have paid for it and dont have it.
Compound interest is the 8th wonder of the world . Those who understand interest earn it, those who don’t, pay it!
“If you don’t turn your life into a story, you just become a part of someone else’s story.
If you buy things you do not need, you’d have to sell things you need.
Expressing some truth latently via a statement which runs in complete contradiction (and unexpectedly so) of a commonly held belief.
I am not young enough to know everything. - Wilde
If I Had More Time, I Would Have Written a Shorter Letter. - Pascal
It’s so simple, so very simple / That only a child can do it.” - Lehrer on new Math
It wasn’t complex enough to do in my head
One has to belong to the intelligentsia to believe things like that: no ordinary man could be such a fool.
“In preparing for battle, I have always found that plans are useless, but planning is indispensable.
Humans are bad: War, murder, vidinctive apple employees coming up with new cables.
Elegance. Grace. Sophistication. But enough about your sister!
We have a lot in common but here’s How to tell us apart: One of us is a manipulative demon and an expert in making other people miserable, and the other is me
Tomorrow: The day when you will start doing the work
Vacation: When you spend thousands of dollars to see what rain looks like in different parts of the world.”
Dissociate yourself because of awkwardness/embarrassment when it is clear
Asking for a friend
Absurd (Useful in critiquing indirectly)
Brexit = Submarine made of Cheese
*representing an abstract with a concrete metaphor makes for a memorable phrase
corridors of power
hope - the thing with feathers that perches on the soul
“Cards Against Humanity”
Wordplay
Neologisms
New Definitions
waldosia
n. [Brit. wallesia] a condition characterized by scanning faces in a crowd looking for a specific person who would have no reason to be there, which is your brain’s way of checking to see whether they’re still in your life, subconsciously patting its emotional pockets before it leaves for the day
Grubbish
Crazzled
Trapezing
Replacing an expected word or words with another with an entirely different meaning from what one would expect (malapropism, mondegreen, eggcorn, Spoonerism).
I’m ravished! for “I’m ravenous!” or for “I’m famished!”
“They build a horse” instead of they build a house.
“the very pineapple of politeness” instead of “the very pinnacle of politeness.
using “militate” for “mitigate”, “chronic” for “severe”, “travesty” for “tragedy”, “anachronism” for “anomaly”, “alibi” for “excuse”
egg corn for the word acorn
ex-patriot instead of expatriate
mating name instead of maiden name
on the spurt of the moment instead of on the spur of the moment
preying mantis instead of praying mantis
for all intensive purposes instead of for all intents and purposes
“Three cheers for our queer old dean!” (rather than “dear old queen,” which is a reference to Queen Victoria)
“Is it kisstomary to cuss the bride?” (as opposed to “customary to kiss”)
“The Lord is a shoving leopard.” (instead of “a loving shepherd”)
“A blushing crow.” (“crushing blow”)
“A well-boiled icicle” (“well-oiled bicycle”)
“You were fighting a liar in the quadrangle.” (“lighting a fire”)
“Is the bean dizzy?” (“Dean busy”)
“Someone is occupewing my pie. Please sew me to another sheet.” (“Someone is occupying my pew. Please show me to another seat.”)
“You have hissed all my mystery lectures. You have tasted a whole worm. Please leave Oxford on the next town drain.” (“You have missed all my history lectures. You have wasted a whole term. Please leave Oxford on the next down train.”)
“A nosey little cook.” (as opposed to a “cosy little nook”).
For More Examples
References