A New Precaution. Let us no longer think so much about punishing, blaming, and improving! We shall seldom be able to alter an individual, and if we should succeed in doing so, something else may also succeed, perhaps unawares: we may have been altered by him! Let us rather see to it that our own influence on all that is to come outweighs and overweighs his influence! Let us not struggle in direct conflict! All blaming, punishing, and desire to improve comes under this category. But let us elevate ourselves all the higher! Let us ever give to our pattern more shining colours! Let our brilliance make them look dark. No, we do not mean to become darker ourselves on their account, like those who punish and are discontented! Let us rather go aside! Let us look away!
Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.
There is this Middle Eastern story of a man who willed to his three sons his 17 camels. To the first son 1/2 of the camels, to the second son 1/3, and to the third son 1/9. 17 doesn’t divide by any of those numbers. Conflict arose, and they decided to go to a wise old woman for assistance. After thinking about it for a while, she said, “Here. I’ll give you one of my camels.” Now with 18 camels, the first son took 1/2: (9), the second son took 1/3: (6), and the last son took 1/9: (2), and they had a camel left over and they gave it back to the woman.
Persuasion Scenarios
Negotiation Scenarios
Summary
Persuasion is about changing someone’s mind. Persuasion comes down to: connecting with people, empathising (inhabiting their point of view and making them see yours), and making them feel good about themselves.
Negotiation, particularly principled negotiation, is about problem solving. This amounts to separating people from the problem, empathising with them and what they want, and using objective criteria to agree on one of the options that gives mutual gain.
Both activities require common abilities:
“How did you here about us?” vs “Where did you here about us?”
“Is there anythign else I can do for you?” vs “Is there something else I can do for you?”
“might you be interested in mediation?” vs “Would you be willing?”
““Tell me about your day from when you woke up this morning to the point that we met.” vs “can you tell me the circumstances in which you were arrested?” “
Underlying every idea someone has lies a more subtle, hidden fantasy of what is actually driving them. An emotional narrative the person built around what they want to do. They’re often not aware of it. If you need to convince someone to do something, don’t pitch your idea. Instead, pitch the underlying idea fantasy to someone who would enjoy it. Similarly, if you want to convince someone not to do something, you need to understand their true motivation. Don’t debate at the surface.
Suppose someone wants to get a new job. They’ll tell friends “they want to grow” or “don’t feel like they’re learning in their current job”. Debating the points they bring up with you won’t help because that isn’t what is really motivating them to leave. True motivation is often simpler: they heard a friend is making much more money than them. They met someone at the new job they really like. They haven’t been sleeping well, and they’re just tired. The fantasy that’s stuck in their mind is a mental image of themselves making more money, being near a person they admire or being more well-rested. You need to determine what that is.
Counter-position. Don’t try to compete with their fantasy. Like Kellyanne Conway answering a question, just pitch a different one. If you suspect someone the fantasy in the future job is “I will make more money”, don’t immediately offer a raise. Pitch another something else, e.g: “there will be real opportunity for public recognition in this role”. Don’t make your idea comparable to another idea.
Listen. Try to ascertain what the person really wants. This requires listening at a whole new level. When they talk, notice what causes their eyes their eyes to light up. Pay attention to their posture. Once you start paying attention to the details, you’ll realize other humans are the most interesting thing in the world.
Direct a movie. Suppose you want someone to quit smoking. The fantasy you want to plant is how youthful they’ll feel when they stop. The most effective way to incept a person isn’t to say those words. Instead, say something like: “it must feel wonderful to run 3 miles in the wilderness, take a breath of fresh air and really live life.” Conduct a movie in the mind with words that evoke vivid imagery. It makes for a much more engaging conversation.
Don’t pre-suppose solutions. Instead of thinking of what you want (“you should build this thing”), think of why you want it (“this thing could be really successful, if someone built it”). Try to formulate a narrative around the underlying motivations for the idea, and let them think of the actual concept themselves. Give context, not commands.
Pitch theoretically. When you’re in a biased position, don’t make any direct suggestions (“you should”). Your idea may get auto-rejected because of its origin. Instead, use yourself or a theoretical stranger (“I would…”, “boy somebody ought to…”).
“It is not good manners or clever to deprive one’s readers of the most obvious objections. It is very good manners and very clever to leave it to one’s readers alone to prononce the ultimate quintessence of our wisdom.” - Nietzche’s writing advice
You can’t just say “oh, I read today that fried chicken is killing 10 million children in Arkansas every year” because that’s a load of crap and comes with an incredibly obvious motivation for saying it.
If chicken is the target, you need to make chicken seem really unappealing. Next time you sneeze, make a joke about coming down with the avian flu. When you’re ordering at a restaurant together, verbally convey your decision to order something other than chicken because you just learned how most chicken is processed by restaurants. When you’ve done enough of these things—and, again, with enough space between them so that it doesn’t seem like odd behavior—you can start being a little more aggressive and stop going with your friend to get fried chicken. You can also take proactive steps to improve your own health and tell your friend 1) what you’re doing, and 2) how well it’s working for you. After a few weeks, if your friend hasn’t decided to reconsider his or her position on frequent fried chicken, you can casually mention it and they should be much more open to having a real discussion.
“Hey, would you mind doing the dishes? It’s your turn.”
“Hey, I’ve decided I don’t want to do the dishes anymore and am just going to start buying disposable stuff. Is that cool with you? If you want to give me some money, I can pick up extras for you, too.”
Buyer: Can you tell me about this 250GB hard drive? I want to make sure it will work for me.
You: What kind of computer do you have and what do you want to use it for?
Buyer: I have a 2-year old Windows laptop and I need it to store my photos. I have about 30GB of photos.
You: 250GB is definitely more than enough for just storing your photos, so as long as you don’t have many more files you might want to put onto the drive it should be just fine for your needs.
In group reinforcement: show people you’re on the same team, while gently ridiculing the extremes of those whose ideas are against yours.
“You want to sell sugar water for the rest of your life, or do you want to come with me and change the world?”
When you openly try to convince someone, you’re taking the posture of being their superior. They are likely to spend their time thinking of all the reasons your ideas are somewhere between biased and insane. Bias and insanity are easy to find in other people’s ideas but hard to find in your own. If you really want to persuade somebody, to change their mind, social ploys rather than debate techniques work far better.
Don’t attack their views. Instead, gently ridicule people whose ideas are more extreme than theirs. Ridicule makes them want to flee those ideas and assure you that they stand closer to you.
But the ridicule must be gentle and teasing, and with luck genuinely funny. Nongentle ridicule, however, makes you look mean and increases sympathy for your victim.
Johnny Carson destroyed Jerry Brown’s first presidential bid by calling him Governor Moonbeam on the Tonight Show every night. It never sounded mean, but it trivialized Brown.
The key is, never show anger or scorn for the person you’re trying to persuade. You must always invite them into your company and speak as if you agree on what “really matters.”
You’ll notice that none of this involves logic or reason or evidence. It’s really about inviting them into the in-group of cool, smart, reasonable people like you. It takes time, but it gradually changes their attitude until they find their former ideas faintly ridiculous, so they’re happy they’re now among the superior people.
That’s how you change people’s minds. If you find that distasteful, then by all means keep engaging people in direct debate, “win” every time, and leave them resentful and unconvinced. They will change their mind only on one point: They will resolve never to discuss things with you again.
I’ve watched smart, honest people become advocates of ridiculous ideas precisely because of the insidious appeal of being included among the self-designated “smart people.” At no point are logic or evidence a significant part of the process. I bring you this sad report after years of trying to persuade with logic and evidence. My record of nearly complete failure should be your warning.
Make them feel good about themselves. Validate their positive attributes which they think they possess
“You’re smart enough to see what the others can’t.”
“Everyone else is a sheep. But you’re a wolf — aren’t you?”
“You’re absolutely right — excellent use of common sense!”
“We were brought together because we alone see through the BS.”
“This book will only make sense to smart and open-minded people.”
“I get a strong feeling that you’re the kind of man who..
Benjamin Frankling effect vs Reciprocation
We all admire the wisdom of people who come to us for advice.
Reciprocation. Reciprocation explains why free samples can be so effective. People who receive a free, unexpected gift are more likely to listen to a product’s features, donate to a cause, or tip a waitress more money. The gifts do not have to be expensive or even material; information and favors can work.
Psychotherapy research shows that when individuals feel listened to, they tend to listen to themselves more carefully and to openly evaluate and clarify their own thoughts and feelings. Lastly, forget about yourself. People frequently make the mistake of pitching ideas that will help them, not the other party. This doesn’t work. Smart people have a very strong firewall for truly embracing an idea. To pass it you must really afford the other party something that they deeply want. Not what you want. That is a secondary goal.
This can only be done by good listening, giving safe space, radical acceptance, and putting yourself in the others’ shoes. It can be demonstrated by using their names, summarizing and paraphrasing their point of view, and by remembering little details about them.
Give them a space to say “That’s right”. That will move things forward tremendously.
Appeal to their identity and values (Ethos).
Validate and then give an insight. “You are not wrong, you are just not seeing another perspective.”
Ser Davos to Lady Mormont I’d feel the same way”
Some of the best negotiators are so empathetic that you feel like they feel like you. They agree with you on everything, or respectfully disagree with you. But they always, always validate you.
Run a simulation. Think to yourself: “what would I be thinking if I was in that position?” To do this well, you must disentangle your own motivations. Take your hat off. Put theirs on. Argue against yourself with them. This helps convey that you’re really trying to see the problem from their side.
Give them an illusion of control to invite them to see your point of view
Don’t say no. Instead,
“How am I supposed to do that?”
“Because if you want this deal, you’d have to” signals the limits
What would you advice me in this situation?
Ask questions that start with the words “How” or “What.” By implicitly asking the other party for help, these questions will give your counterpart an illusion of control and will inspire them to speak at length, revealing important information. Don’t ask questions that start with “Why” unless you want your counterpart to defend a goal that serves you. “Why” is always an accusation, in any language.
Get then to negotiate against themselves. This is not just flattery but probably truth. I find in most negotiations I am in, the other side knows more than I know.
You are the experts. What would you ask for if you were me?
“Is this a good time to talk?”. Ask “Is this a bad time to talk?” to get a toe in. Say a boss gives you an impossible task, and you want to negotiate him into giving an easier one. You can retort “You want me to succeed, don’t you?”, or you can say “Do you want me to fail?”. The form is pushing for a yes “getting a toe in”, while the latter is pushing for a no. The latter, however is better, because it leads to instance agreement and empathy.
Liking. People are easily persuaded by other people that they like. Cialdini cites the marketing of Tupperware in what might now be called viral marketing. People were more likely to buy if they liked the person selling it to them. Some of the many biases favoring more attractive people are discussed.
Authority. When people are uncertain, they look outside themselves for information to guide their decisions. Given the incredible influence of authority figures, it would be wise to incorporate testimonials from legitimate, recognized authorities to help persuade prospects to respond or make purchases.
Saying offers are available for a “limited time only” encourages sales. Invite-Only stuff like
Social Proof. Testimonials from satisfied customers show your target audience that people who are similar to them have enjoyed your product or service. They’ll be more likely to become customers themselves. A similar principle applies to television commercials that say: “If our lines are busy, please call again.” Instead of saying “Operators are standing by.” The first response implies that other people like your offer so much that the phone lines are busy, which may persuade others to act similarly.
For instance, don’t tell people: “Please call if you have to cancel.” Asking “Will you please call if you have to cancel?” gets customers to say yes, and measurably increases their response rates.
“A good plan isn’t one where someone wins, it’s where nobody thinks they’ve lost.”
Good negotiation arrives at a wise decision efficiently and amicably. Bargaining from positions does not do that:
Pay more attention to the underlying concerns of the parties.
| Hard bargaining | Soft bargaining | Principled Bargaining |
|---|---|---|
| participants as adversaries | participants as friends | participants as problem solvers |
| goal as victory | goal as agreement | goal as an amicable and wise decision |
| insist on position | insist on agreement | insist on objective criteria |
| make threats | make offers | explore interests |
| apply pressure | yield to pressure | reason and be open to reasons |
| demand concessions | make concessions | invent options for mutual gain |
| demand one-sided gains | accept one-sided losses | separate people from the problem |
| distrust others | trust others | proceed independent of trust |
| dig into your position | change position easily | focus on interests, not positions |
| mislead to your bottom line | disclose your bottom line | avoid having a bottom line |
| search for what you will accept | whatever they will accept | develop multiple options to choose from |
| try to win a contest of will | try to avoid a contest of will | try to reach a result independent of will |
| be hard on the people | be soft on the people | be soft on the people, hard on the problem |
Four parts:
“He who has learned to disagree without being disagreeable has discovered the most valuable secret of negotiation.”
Our brains work better if you’re in a good mood. Because of mirror neutrons, you’re more likely to elicit collaborative behaviour if you’re positive yourself. Be positive, have a loving voice and smile. You turn someone positive frame of mind, with your tone, body language and facial expressions, it would make them smarter and positive. They are likely to say yes. They’d feel less attacked. But keep in mind: If you approach a negotiation thinking the other guy thinks like you, you are wrong. That’s not empathy, that’s a projection.
“Truly effective negotiators are conscious of the verbal, paraverbal (how it’s said), and nonverbal communications that pervade negotiations and group dynamics. And they know how to employ those subtleties to their benefit. Even changing a single word when you present options—like using “not lose” instead of “keep”—can unconsciously influence the conscious choices your counterpart makes.”
Negotiators are humans: this can be helpful or disastrous.
How to deal with people in a negotiation? Definitely Not positional bargaining
Every negotiation has two interests: the substantive issue and the relationship. But they tend to become entangled. Egos get involved, and we draw from comments inferences about the other’s attitude and intentions about us.
By August 1939 Hitler was convinced that the democratic nations would never put up any effective opposition to him. He expressed his contempt for them in a speech he delivered to his Commanders in Chief: “Our enemies have leaders who are below the average. No personalities. No masters, no men of action… Our enemies are small fry. I saw them in Munich.”
Analysis Planning and Discussion.
Perceptions
Most Conflict lies in people’s heads. Fears, however unfounded are real. Hope can launch wars. Facts might do nothing.
Emotions
Communication
Three problems in communication
Solution:
Prevention works best:
Interests define the problem: the basic problem in a negotiation is not position, but hopes, fears, desires, beliefs and concerns that motivate the positions. Reconciling interests rather than positions works for two reasons:
How do you identity interests?
How to talk about interests?
Why we don’t do this?
Separate the process of coming up with the options from the process of deciding them. Broaden your options as much as possible. Consider brainstorming with friends. Improve ideas which are promising. Consider brainstorming with the other side (to make it clear that your ideas are not your offers, make up some clearly ridiculous options. To hide your preference for certain options, bring up two alternatives at the same time). To generate options:
Make a circle chart:
Problem: What is the problem? What are the symptoms? What disliked facts contrasted with a preferred situation? Analysis: Sort symptoms into categories. List causes. Observe what is lacking. What are the barriers to solution? Approaches: Theoretical cures. prescriptions or strategies Action: What can be done? List concrete steps to implement a solution
Look through the eyes of different experts. For example, in a child custody case, how would a nutritionist, a banker, a doctor, a civil rights expert, an educator, a feminist, a psychiatrist, a football coach, a minis etc. would diagnose the problem, what approaches would they suggest?
Invent agreements of different strength, Invent Agreements of different scope
To a prospective editor of your book, you might suggest: “How about editing the first chapter for 300, and we’ll see how it goes?”
Agreements may be partial, involve fewer parties, cover only selected subject matters, apply only to certain geographic area, or remain in effect only for certain period of time.
Partial vs comprehensive provisional vs permanent in principal vs final procedural vs substantive (If a shoe factory cannot agree with a wholesaler on who should pay for a shipment of damaged shoes, perhaps they can agree to submit the issue to the arbiter) non-binding vs binding continent vs unconditional first order vs second order (agree on where you disagree)
Look for mutual gain
Shared interests It is always a flawed assumption that the pie is fixed, intact , both parties have a shared interest in averting joint loss. Identify shared interests: shared interests are usually latent in every negotiation. Ask: do we have a shared interest in preserving the relationship? What oportunitieslie ahead for cooperation and mutual benefit? What costs would we bear if negotiations broke off? Are there common principles that both can respect? Stress shared interests. Make it explicit and formulate it as an explicit goal.
For example:
Situation: a mayor of a town wanted to increase taxes on an oil refinery from $1 million to $2 million Mayor’s interest: money in the coffers. Improve town’s economy: foster industrial expansion, attract new businesses and create jobs (all of which will bring more money via taxes) Your interest: refurbish your plant and expand it. have taxes low because the valuation might increase. get a plastics manufacturer to locate nearby to make convenient use of your product. Have taxes low so that the town is attractive to the plastics manufacture .
Shared interest: foster industrial expansion and encourage new industries.
Ideas: a tax holiday of seven years for new industries, a joint publicity campaign to attract new companies, a reduction in taxes for existing industries that chose to expand. These would save you money while filling the city’s coffers
What to lose if negotiations sour: you cut your contributions to city charities and school athletics. city might become tough in enforcing regulations and ordinances e.g. building odes. relationship might become unpleasant: which outweighs the importance of any particular outcomes
Situation: if a customer feels cheated in a purchase, your reputation and retention might suffer.
Different Interests which can dovetail
Find out what is high benefit to the other person but low cost to you.
Different interests (someone wants an orange fruit and the other one wants the peel to bake):
precedence vs
Invent different options available and ask for their preference (not acceptance). Then take the preference, work with it a little more, and present two options again. e.g. An agent for a player say, would you prefer X amount for 4 years, or Y amount a year for three years? Lets say Y is preferable. Now do you prefer Y, and 9Y/10 for year years with a Y/2 performance based bonus?
Make their decision easy
Who is making the decision? Understand that the negotiator on the other side is a human. They have responsibilities that impinge on them.
It is easier to refrain from doing something not being done than to stop action already underway. It is easier to cease doing something than to undertake an entirely new course of action. E.g. if workers want music on the job, it would be easier for the company to not interfere in an experimental employee-run program.
Make the proposal in such a way that appears legitimate to them - be it fair, legal, honourable. Few things facilitate a decision as much as precedents: what the other party has done previously in similar circumstances. Precedents provide an objective standard for your request.
What are their choices? Make them aware of the consequences they can expect if they decide as you wish and on improving those consequences from their point of view. What are the specific changes they may like? e.g. Could you let them take credit for coming up with the proposal? Could you let them announce it to the world first? What could you add that would be attractive to them but low cost to yourself?
Could you make their hand stronger within their organization? Could you give them reasons thet would help them persuade others?
Test: Consider how the other side might be criticised if they accepted it. Write a couple of sentences the other side’s most powerful critic might say. Then write a couple of sentences in defence. Test: Could you write a proposition that is realistic, operationable and would make them say ‘yes’?
e.g. Market value, precedent, scientific judgement (e.g. MIT’s economic model of mining), professional standards, efficiency, cost, what a court would decide, moral standards, equal treatment, tradition, reciprocity.
Frame each issue as a joint search for objective criteria. When someone gives an option, ask “What’s the theory?” “How did you arrive at that figure?” Treat the problem as though the seller too is looking for a fair option based on objective criteria.
Agree on principles first. Then you can use these principles to persuade. (This makes it easier for them to conceded. Otherwise they’d be conceding to your criteria - which shows weakness. Conceding to your own principles is an act of strength).
Be reasonable and be open to reason: which standard to choose should not be a contest of will. Be open to listening to other reasons, and look for objective basis to decide between them (precedent or what is widely practiced).
If there is a conflict in criteria: arrive at a middle (e.g. between market value vs depreciated value from initial costs) or (2) insist on someone who you consider to be fair to judge which criteria apply best. Objective criteria are supposed to be legitimate, and legitimacy implies acceptance by a great many people.
Fair procedure:
Never yield to pressure: Pressue can be a bribe, a threat, a manipulative appeal to trust or a refusal to budge. The response should be the same: invite them to state their reasoning, suggest objective criteria you think apply, and refuse to budge except on this basis. Yield only to principle, never to press.
When they are too powerful
Increase your BATNA “The firm across the street has offered me 20 percent above what I am now earning. I will rather stay here. But with the cost of living, unless I get a raise soon, I will have to consider moving soon. What do you think might be possible? “Thanks for sharing your views and listening to mine. If I decide to go forward, I will get back to you, perhaps with a fresh proposal”
Worsen the other side’s BATNA
When they refuse to play
the ideal option would be to circumvent the situation all together by setting timetables and deadlines at the outset of the negotiation. Make sure the other party understands right off the bat what is expected of him as far as scheduling is concerned.
Let them take a position and evaluate the interests behind the position? Why this position? When they attack your position, let them. Dont defend - invite criticism. Examine their underlying interests and to improve your ideas from their point of view. Revise your position based on that. Ask for advice. What would you do in my situation? When they attack you, stay silent. Recast the attack as an attack on the problem. Ask questions and pause. If they do not give a sufficient answer, stay silent.
Use the one-text procedure: Prepare a draft (by someone neutral) and invite criticisms. “Please correct me if I am wrong”
Please correct me if I am wrong
We appreciate what you’re done for us
Our concern is fairness
We would like to settle this on the basis of independent standards, not of who can do what to whom
Trust is a separate issue
Could I ask you a few questions to see whether my facts are right?
What’s the principle behind your action?
Let me see if I understand what you’re saying
Let me get back to you
Let me show you where I have trouble following some of your reasoning
One fair solution might be…
if we agree … and if we disagree…
We’d be happy to see if we can leave when it’s most convenient for you
It’s been a pleasure dealing with you
Hostile Situations
Principled Negotiation Approach
Truly listen, recognise the emotion, and reframe it in a way that gives you an opportunity to explain.
Compare
I hear your concern. There’s a lot of passion
with:
You’re angry
When they answer, “No I’m frustrated!”, answer it in your frame.
Evasive Approach
You’re in a verbal fight. What you need is. The Fabian strategy is a brilliant tactic whereby open combat is explicitly avoided in favor of evasion. In this way, as your opponent uses a large amount of energy to muster an attack, you use a small amount of energy to maneuver out of its way. When someone first becomes incensed at the start of an argument, they are strong. Anything you say to contravene their view will only fuel their anger, further entangling you into battle. Avoid engaging them head-to-head: Retreat, give them ground, and face them again from a safe distance.
Them: “Yo you’re at MY table! I’m meeting my friends later and this is where we always sit! If you don’t move I’m gonna kick your ass!”
You (BAD): “Well the bar is rather full and I was here first, so…”
You: (GOOD): “Oh, I genuinely didn’t know… This is your table, so I guess you’re a regular here?”
Them: “Yeah we come here like every Wednesday for the cheap wings. 10 cents is a steal, yo! And we ALWAYS sit here so you gotta move!”
You: “Oh wow, I didn’t even know about the wing deal– Thanks for telling me about that! How did you guys come to choose this table?”
Them: “We just… I mean we’ve just like always sat here!”
You: “Yeah, I totally understand! You guys have been coming here for awhile then?”
Them: “Yeah for like 6 months!”
You: “That’s cool, man. So you’re like friends with all the bartenders and stuff.”
Them: “Nah not really, but like they probably recognize us I guess.”
You: “Oh definitely. I’ve worked at a few bars… We always recognize the regulars, even if we don’t know them by name.”
Them: “Oh which bars did you work at?”
What you tend to do:
Dirty negotiating tricks fail the test of reciprocity.
Question the tactics legitimacy and desirability. This gives you chase to negotiate about the the negotiating process.
Instead of saying
“You deliberately put me out in front of the sun”
say
“I am finding the sun in my eyes quite distracting. Unless we can solve the problem, I may have to leave early and take some rest. Shall we revise the schedule?”
“Why are you committing yourself so extremely to the press? Is it to protect yourself from criticism, or to protect yourself from changing the position? Is it in our mutual interest to have both of us this tactic?”
“How about our undertaking to make no statements to the press until we reach agreement or break off the talks?
Is there a theory behind why I should sit low in the chair with my back to the door open? I assume you’d be willing to do the same?
Being Reciprocity into sharp relief by having the tactic as a rule of the game
Shall we alternative between spilling coffee on each other every other day?
Stock phrases:
“I may be mistaken, but I am getting the feeling that you are playing the good guy/bad guy routine. If you two want a recess to straighten things out amongst yourselves, just ask”
Last resort: BATNA
“It’s my impression that you are not interested in negotiating in a way that would produce results. Here’s my phone number. If you’re interested, I am ready any time you are”
Deception
Examples of me using it:
Examples of me facing it:
What should be done: Ask the other party probing questions to find out what they did for the other companies. What terms did they agree to? How large was their order? Get as many details as possible about what they’ve done for them in the past. Never trust. “If I told you I have money in my bank account and I’d pay you later”, would you sell me the item based on trust? It’s not about trust.”
Dubious Intentions
Examples of me using it:
Examples of me facing it:
What should be done: Build compliance features in the agreement itself “Are you certain your client will pay?” “Of course” “A hundred percent certain?” “Yes, I am a hundred percent certain” “Then you won’t mind a contingent agreement. Your client will pay for child support. If, for some inexplicable reason which you estimate at 0% probability, he misses two payments, my client will get equity in the house”
Hardhearted Partner/Missing Persons/Ambiguous Authority
Generic Examples:
“Its a perfectly reasonable request. But my wife refuses to go with it”
Examples of me using it: Saying “I will ask Dad” in property talks Examples of me facing it: What should be done: The keys to countering this tactic are finding out who makes decisions and arranging a way to meet with them. It is important, when possible, to start negotiating with the individual who has final authority in order to prevent this tactic from being used. Try to find out what standards are used to determine whether an agreement will be authorized or not. Prior to negotiating, attempt to find out who makes final decisions regarding delivery times, price, payment terms, etc. You can also ask to set up a meeting with that person if the other party attempts to use this tactic. Get them to agree in principle, if possible in writing, and then talk to the hardhearted partner. “It’s a perfectly reasonable request, I agree, but my wife refuses to go along with it”.
Insist on reciprocity “Alright, we will treat this as a joint draft to which neither side is committed. You discuss with your boss and I will see if I want any changes which I would suggest tomorrow”
Creating Stress (by Physical Environment, e.g.)
Examples of me using it:
Examples of me facing it:
What should be done: Identity the problem, raise it , and attempt to change it in an objective and principled fashion
Personal Attacks (e.g. Commenting on appearance, attack status by making you wait or interrupting you , not make eye contact or refuse to listen , make you repeat etc.)
Examples of me using it:
Examples of me facing it:
What should be done: Recognise it and bring it up to prevent from recurring. When you’re attacked in a negotiation, pause and avoid angry emotional reactions. Instead, ask your counterpart a calibrated question. Set boundaries, and learn to take a punch or punch back, without anger. The guy across the table is not the problem; the situation is. There is always a team on the other side. If you are not influencing those behind the table, you are vulnerable.”
Good Guy/Bad Guy
Examples of me using it: Buying pants for Manan in Iceland
Examples of me facing it:
What should be done: Ask the principle behind it. Why do you think it is a fair price?
Threats
Examples of me using it: Buying pants for Manan in Iceland
Examples of me facing it:
What should be done:
Threats require credible communication, so if you could interfere with that: ignore it, treat it as if spoken in haste, or spoken with unauthorised authority. Best: make it risky to communicate threats. “Your voice is being recorded. What number are you calling?” Warnings are much more legitimate than threats. “Should we fail to reach the agreement, it seems highly probable to me that the news media would insist on publishing the whole sordid story. In a matter of this much public interest, I don’t see how we could suppress information.”
The first time Steve Jobs fired Andrea Cunningham, he called her into his conference room where he was seated with his “CFO” and told Andrea Cunningham “I’m going to cut off my contract with you. I think the work you’re doing is terrible and we’re just going to stop it right now so that’s it, you’re fired.” He owed her $35,000 for her services which When Andy Cunningham demanded, Steve Jobs wasn’t ready to pay because he believed her work wasn’t worth it. So after being declined the payment, Andrea Cunningham called up her Mentor (Regis McKenna) and complained about Steve Jobs not paying her The money he owes her to which her mentor (Regis McKenna) replies “Well, if you want to get paid by Steve Jobs you’re going to have to have something over him.” At that point Cunningham was confused and didn’t understand what Regis McKenna meant, Regis McKenna later cleared the doubt by Letting her know her contacts with the business press was her upper hand against Steve Jobs. She goes back to Steve Jobs and demands her 35000$ later to which Steve Jobs replies “Why?” She answers with “Well, just so you know Steve I get about 30 or 40 phone calls a week from the business press that we’ve made relationships over the last couple of years asking me what kind of a guy you are to work with and I currently tell them very nice things.” After hearing this Steve Jobs Writes her a check and hires her Back Immediately.
Refusal to Negotiate
Examples: Iran during the hostage crisis, Palestinians,
Examples of me using it:
Examples of me facing it:
What should be done: Involve third parties, or write letters. Insist on asking principles and reciprocity “Is this how you would expect us to play when its your turn? Or others to play with them? What principles apply in this situation?”
Extreme Demand
What should be done: Bring it up, ask for the principle and make them look ridiculous to themselves.
Escalating Demand
Raising a demand for every concession they make. Reopen issues which you thought were closed.
Examples: Hitler building the German Navy and U-boats in violation of Versailles (35), remilitarisation of Rhineland (36) in violation of Versailles, Anschluss, Munich agreement for Sudentenland, then whole of Czechoslovakia (despite the Munich Agreement) before invading Poland and World War 1. The proper lesson of Munich is not — as so often misinterpreted — that we should avoid haggling with tyrants. The world will get along much better when modern Western leaders accept the necessity of cutting deals with Russia’s thuggish President Putin and China’s brutal President Xi. But we need to recognise that there is no chance of persuading such people to keep their word or respect our vital interests, unless we possess the armed forces to defend them by force, if necessary.
Examples of me using it:
Examples of me facing it: KRA asking for apologies in writing again and again from mom. Mobile phone repair in Vyaapar Kendra.
What should be done: Recognise this tactic, Take a break and evaluate the situation. Insist on principle
Lockin Tactics
Examples: The chicken game where one of the drivers throws out its break and steering wheel.
What should be done: Depends on communication. Intepret it as a weak signal. “Oh, so you went to the press and told them you’d not settle for less than X. We all have aspirations. Mine are…” “Alright Bob… I understand you went public with…But my practice is to never yield to pressure, only to reason”.
Delaying Tactic
It can be used to inspire uneasiness and doubt in the other party, or for buying time for additional research or internal discussion
Examples of me using it: Negotiating Jugnoo salary.
Examples of me facing it: What should be done: Look for objective conditions that can be used to establish deadlines.
Take it or Leave it
Examples of me using it: Examples of me facing it: Harmilap Nagar out-of-court settlement What should be done: Ignore it. Change the subject, introduce other options. Or remind them what they have to lose by saying no, and present a face-saving way for them to get out of the situation. e.g. If the management makes a final offer, say “X was your final offer BEFORE we discussed our cooperative efforts to make the plant more productive”.
Set the tone. Don’t make things that aren’t a big deal a huge deal. (Don’t be like “We need to talk” for something small and frivolous “hey just want to talk to you for a bit).
Set the pace. When the other person is in a hurry to close a deal then I will delay. When they’re not in a hurry then I’ll create a sense of urgency in them and then will delay a bit.
Before you head into the weeds of bargaining, you’ll need a plan of extreme anchor, calibrated questions, and well-defined offers. Remember: 65, 85, 95, 100 percent. Decreasing raises and ending on nonround numbers will get your counterpart to believe that he’s squeezing you for all you’re worth when you’re really getting to the number you want.
The price I am willing to sell it at would not be attractive to you
Point at what all is going to be lost if this falls. Making people hostage to the future.
I want to buy something, and a fair price is $2,000, the offer price is $2,400. I’ll go in and make a semi-joke that I want to buy it for $300 (not a typo), and mention that figure repeatedly, with a big smile to keep it friendly. Suddenly even $1,600 suddenly seems reasonable because it’s being compared to with the joke $300. And I’ll offer $1,400, and at least go for $1,600.
If you’re on $5k per month, tell your boss, as a joke, that you should be on $20k for all the work you do - mention it a few times, with a smile every time. Now, ask for a $1k pay rise - sounds like peanuts.
I did this when selling life insurance. He would say something like, “Oh, I see that there is some history of heart disease in you family.” He would say this while closing his folder and sitting back in his chair as if done. He would then tell them that he may not be able to help them after all. That is when the customer would all of a sudden start proving their qualifications for the insurance and describing how healthy they are. They would almost be begging to be signed up.
Compare with favourible instances to use availability bias. the tendency to rely on readily available information. By carefully choosing comparisons to the current situation, you can persuade the other party about the appropriate settlement. In a legal context, when defendants can cite similar cases where a judicial award was very small, they sometimes can influence the judge’s or jury’s assessment of the value of the case.
For example, rather than making a flat offer of $30,000 to settle a case, a defendant could offer a choice among $30,000 immediately, $10,000 annually for the next three years, or a $30,000 payment to charity. When compared with the other two options, the $30,000 cash offer is likely to appear more attractive than when it is the only offer on the table. A negotiator may very well compare the options offered rather than comparing the $30,000 to the option of holding out for more money.
If they say, “We will offer $100,000 but can’t go a penny higher” repeat back to them, “you can’t go a penny higher. ” They will continue talking.
“Excuse me, I have five pages. May I use the Xerox machine?” – 60% said OK “Excuse me, I have five pages. May I use the Xerox machine because I’m in a rush?” – 94% said OK
“Have you ever made an exception?”
“How you know that you made a right choice?”
“There is no other way” (with a downward inflection)
A few general principles:
It is VERY hard to advocate for yourself or talk about money, especially if you don’t come from money. Please, please: Do it anyway. You are valuable to your employer. Anybody can be replaced, but doing so is expensive and disruptive. They want to keep you. If they’re offering to hire you, they probably had a long job search process and really want it to come to a satisfactory conclusion for all of you, YOU included.
There is ALWAYS more money. If you get a job offer, thank them (profusely is fine), ask to get details of the offer in writing (it’s hard to think clearly about dental plans during a high-stakes conversation), and say you will get back to them soon.
“This is great. Let me go over it and figure out logistics and family issues and call you back later.” Then SLEEP. Then call back as late in the day as possible to negotiate.
Talk to people about the offer. It’s awkward to talk about money, but ask people with experience in your industry if they would be willing to help you evaluate the offer. It doesn’t have to be a close friend, just someone you respect. It’s flattering and interesting to be asked for career advice, and most people are happy to give it.
Asymmetrical information depresses wages and keeps people stuck in unhappy jobs. To negotiate an offer, say you admire the work and mission of your potential employer and would love to work there, but your only hesitation is the compensation package. Then it’s up to them. There is more money, and they will find it for you. If it doesn’t seem like enough more money, say that you’re very grateful for the new offer but would like to know if it’s possible to go higher. Remind them of your dedication and enthusiasm for the job.
Make them see your point of view and give them the illusion of control:
“If you were me being offered this job, what would you ask for?”
“You guys are the experts on how one can grow and flourish and bring the most value to your company. What should I ask for and how do you see me growing in the company? Can we outline that out?”
“Because I like this company a lot and want to accept this, I trust that you will help me figure out the right things to ask for here. Is there anything I’m missing?”
People Don’t Ask “How?”
If they offer too little or no moving expenses or no vacation or no path to promotion, simply ask: “How?”.
Insist on objective criteria:
Other people in the industry are making $X. I know that I offer $Y in value. Can you walk me through how I can accept $Z that you are offering?”
They will keep talking and the numbers will change. Trust me on this.
If you ask for something and they say, “We can’t. This is HR guidelines”. Say,
“Hmmm, are you guys powerless to do anything about this?”
Nobody wants to feel powerless. They will make changes or work this through HR.
If your potential new employer says they don’t have more money and explains WHY – maybe they’re small or have a narrow pay band or whatever – that establishes that they are being honest and open with you, which is itself a job benefit. You want to work with people you trust.
You may be able to negotiate other things rather than pay – working remotely, more vacation, career development, etc. It’s not all about the money. But it IS ALSO ABOUT THE MONEY. And it is right and good and proper for you to ask for more money.
Okay, so, if you’re in a job and want a raise or promotion, keep a Brag Book. Write down everything you’ve done, even minor stuff, that was a success or helped your employer or other employees or showed initiative or made money or added to your employer’s reach or prestige.
Do NOT assume your boss knows about your achievements. Bosses are idiots much of the time. (I am a boss, I am often an idiot.) During performance reviews and especially when you’re asking for a raise, list specific examples of your contributions.
If you’re asking for a promotion – and really, isn’t it time you got a promotion? – highlight how what you’ve been doing goes beyond your current job description and is work that is often done by people in X other (higher-paid) positions.
These are difficult discussions. Print out your Brag Book list to help you remember things. If you get flustered, it’s fine to ask to continue the conversation later, or ask for a moment to collect your thoughts. Or offer to send your request in writing. Even if you don’t get a raise or promotion this time, it tells your boss that you expect to be recognized for your work. It’s a process. Asking for more doesn’t make you look greedy, it makes you look ambitious and eager for new opportunities.
It’s not just about money. Think of every aspect in a situation. Everything you would like. Then you can give up the nickels for the dimes if your list is longer . For instance, one side might just be negotiating salary. But the other side could be negotiating salary, title, insurance, vacation, promotion standards, outside work, etc. The longer list always wins.
To read
References