“I tried to secure her a specialist appointment at Huashan Hospital, one of the best public hospitals in Shanghai, only to discover that they were full till the end of August. You could still make an appointment, but only if you knew somebody on the inside — only if you had enough “guanxi,” the network of connections and relationships that make China function… The previous principal liked to boast about the guanxi he had via those parents. “When my father needed heart surgery,” he said once in a faculty meeting, “I asked my secretary to locate a parent who worked at the president’s office in Huashan Hospital. And I soon found one.”
“Early in my career, I got staffed on a project because I passed by an Associate’s desk before thinking “hey, I really should go and say hello”. We chatted for a few minutes and I mentioned that I had just rolled off a case. She said “Great! We actually need a consultant for a couple of weeks! Are you interested?” And within about thirty minutes, I was staffed. It was that simple, and the project ultimately ended up being one of my best at the firm.”
“Personally, in the 6+ months leading up to my promotion, I made sure that I had frequent check-ins with my career advisor - to let him know new responsibilities I had taken on, new content knowledge I had developed, or any concerns I had about my project.”
“I checked a lot of boxes, had great scientific output, managed underlings well, had an excellent pedigree (including top tier undergrad and grad schools and Nobel laureate as my immediate postdoc supervisor), but failed to obtain a tenure track position. Looking at the peers who made it and didn’t (including ones that were slightly less deficient), I realized it’s because you need to have one of those PIs go to bat for you. It was something as a leader I did for my underlings (I arranged for both of my interns to have one-on-one lunches with a Nobel laureate and his buddy that didn’t get to win a prize in spite of inventing site directed mutagenesis - an experience that I haven’t even had myself). As soon as I realized that my high profile bosses had checked out and would never go to bat for me or anyone really (still love them though) I got out of dodge.”
“For the longest time, I thought I’d feel better about myself when I finally fell in love. When fuck yes or no became the default filter through which I made decisions about my dating life, I started to have a much higher opinion of myself.””
“Sometimes I feel that it can be a lucrative trap to become invested in a single person, and then accumulate expectations that far outweigh the responsible obligations of any friendship. As I have gotten older, a pattern that is working much better for me is the campfire model - I just try to keep a metaphorical campfire going, for people traveling through this life to stop and warm themselves upon while I tend it. I cannot know which direction people are traveling from, or to, or how long their journey has been or will be. But all people need to warm their calloused hands and feet, and I can keep this fire with a bed of rosy coals. Sometimes someone will stop at my fire and warm themselves without my ever having paid attention, but to them it may have meant all the difference in the world. By keeping this obligation in mind, to simply expect people to need a place to sit a spell, I can at least believe I am helping. The campfire is a nice way for me to remember we’re all suffering, that not a one of us is unique to loneliness. Because sometimes that person who sits down at your fire is the person you have been waiting for, and only by making a seat for them were you able to ever meet.”
I had a good friend who just had open “hang out” time every day after work in his garage. There was a group of about 30 friends who might stop by any time between 5 and 8 PM, have a beer, hang out and BS. Sometimes it was just Paul and 1 or 2 others, sometimes 15 people showed up, sometimes Paul wasn’t even there, but the garage was always open (if you had the code). I used to go almost every day between work and home, it’s how i made about half the friends I have now. It was also where weekend plans got made and many a hunting/fishing/camping trip got planned there.
Become Main Character in Other People’s Movies by voicing opinions, storytelling, helping, keep a metaphorical campfire going. Avoiding hanging out with people who drain energy from you: charisma isn’t about being at ease with all, the costs of developing familiarity for later advantage are too high (self-esteem), and the second-degree acquantainces are likely not great either because their vibe attracts their tribe. If you’re over-committed or scattered, fall back to “Hell Yes or No”.
People who I have mentored:
What is a Tribe?
Most people thrive when they are part of a good tribe – a place they can go to contribute and receive help when needed, a place of mutual enjoyment, mutual respect, and mutual purpose. Just try to find some people you enjoy, whether it’s one other person, or a new group. And then find ways to spend more time with people who energize you, and less time with people who drag you down. And if you’re drawn to a tribal utopia, use that as an ideal that you nudge your social life toward a little at a time.
Tim Urban’s criteria: People you can be off with, people who ask questions, people you are comfortable to be alone with, no weird unrequited love dynamic, not opposing life paths, no harboured resentment, no obsessive fb crush, no lopsided.
You want to find your tribe – the types of people like you that you can imagine working with for the rest of your career. Within that, you want to find a small group of people whom you trust, and whose opinions you really respect. You should probably be willing to move. For whatever you’re interested in, there will be pockets of people around the world who are doing the best work, and it’s worth getting as close to them as possible. Help others for no reason at all. When you’re young, you tend to have a small network, and that limits your options. When you help people without any intention of ever getting benefit back, doors and new connections will open – this has been super important for me.
People who bring out the best in you, around whom you are jolly, content, energised, and at are creative best. People who make you feel secure. People who inspire you and who lift your spirits. People who make you want to be a better you.
Your true educators and cultivators will reveal to you the original sense and basic stuff of your being, something that is not ultimately amenable to education or cultivation by anyone else, but that is always difficult to access, something bound and immobilized; your educators cannot go beyond being your liberators.
Why a Tribe?
There’s a common misconception - I think across industries, not just in consulting - that you will be rewarded commensurately to how hard you work and how good your output is. In my view, this is false. Good networking will never compensate for poor performance, but doing a good job only takes you 80% of the way. The remaining 20% is contingent on what otherpeople think and say about you. It is absolutely your responsibility to manage your brand and to build positive relationships with your colleagues.
Great work requires teams. Developing a network of talented people to work with—sometimes closely, sometimes loosely—is an essential part of a great career. The size of the network of really talented people you know often becomes the limiter for what you can accomplish.
Once you build a network, formal things like jobs just happen. A network is not only a list of people you happen to know, like points that you score in a video game. A network is a circuit through which things flow: ideas, energy, dialogue, information, favors, and so on. Being in dialogue with the people in your network means that you have identified values that you share with them, so that you say “we” and “us”. You have chosen the members of your network precisely because of the values that you share in common, and you have taken the trouble to identify those shared values and to get a running conversation started that is founded on them. And in the process you have changed: you have drawn out and articulated parts of yourself that may not have had any words before. It’s still you, but it’s a version of you that is defined in part by its relationships to other people. If you have chosen those other people badly then you will be unhappy with your new self. But if you have done your homework and chosen wisely then you will be thrilled to death.
You build networks around the issues you care about, you grow and change through the relationships that result, you articulate the themes that are emerging in the community members’ respective work, and through community-building and leadership you get the resources to do the things that you most care about doing. It’s true that this method will never give you arbitrary power. But the desire for arbitrary power is not freedom – it is a particularly abject form of slavery. If you can let go of preconceived ideas then you are free: you can choose who to associate with, and as you build your network you multiply the further directions that you can choose to go. You also multiply the unexpected opportunities that open up, the places you can turn for assistance with your projects, the flows of useful information that keep you in contact with reality, the surveillance of the horizon that keeps you from getting cornered by unanticipated developments, and the public persona that ensures that people keep coming to you with offers that you can take or leave. That is what freedom is, and it is yours if you will do the work.
How to cultivate your tribe?
Help people as much as you can. Doing this, over a long period of time, is what lead to most of my best career opportunities and three of my four best investments. I’m continually surprised how often something good happens to me because of something I did to help a founder ten years ago. Keep coming up with simple ways to be useful to the people in your network. A few times a year is plenty. Pass things along to them. Mention their work to other people. Plug them in your talks. Include them in things. Get your department or laboratory to invite them to speak. Put them up when they come to town. Write reviews of their books. And invent other helpful things to do. None of this is mandatory, of course, but it helps. And I can’t repeat this often enough: keep it low-key. Never, ever pressure anybody into anything. Don’t say “please” or “I know you must be very busy”, which can sound like emotional manipulation. Don’t heap so much unsolicited help on someone that they feel crowded or obligated. Don’t complain. Don’t approach the whole business as a matter of supplication and begging, but rather as ordinary cooperation among equals. Likewise, make sure you’re exchanging these favors out of courtesy and respect, and not as phony politicking – everyone hates that stuff. Build relationships with personal friends outside of work so you won’t be unconsciously trying to get professional contacts to play roles in your personal life (for example, the role of sounding board for your troubles). If you don’t hear from someone for a while, let it ride. If you feel yourself getting obsessive about the process, go talk it out with someone you regard as wise. Develop a reputation for really taking care of the people who work with you. Be overly generous with sharing the upside; it will come back to you 10x. Friendships are sacred, and deserve your utmost integrity, attention and honesty.
A particularly valuable part of building a network is to get good at discovering undiscovered talent. Quickly spotting intelligence, drive, and creativity gets much easier with practice. The easiest way to learn is just to meet a lot of people, and keep track of who goes on to impress you and who doesn’t. Remember that you are mostly looking for rate of improvement, and don’t overvalue experience or current accomplishment.
If you’re shy about asking people to do things for you, instead tell them what you’re trying to accomplish and ask them for advice about how to do it yourself and for suggestions about who might be able to help you.) “Who are the best people you know here?”
You have to STRIVE. There is no good in just sitting around pretending everything is good. So start figuring out what you like and where others who like what you like might hang out. The world is filled with lonely people searching for others like themselves. They think they are too weird or awkward or their desires are too disgusting or revolting for anyone to be like them or like them. Guess what? They are wrong. No matter what you think of yourself or your habits there are legions of people just like you, who would like you, who want to be your friend. All you have to do is find each other. I’m not saying its easy but nothing good happens by itself – you have to make it happen. No matter what you like, make a goal, write it on paper – then go do the work to make it happen. It won’t happen over night. But it WILL happen. It’s the nature of humanity. We are social and seek others to be with and we will move heaven and earth to find that person who is like us and who will like us. And once it starts it starts a chain reaction of finding more and more until you have a group of like minded people. Don’t know where to start? Look at the group Meetup.org. They have branches in most cities and have literally 1000s of areas of interest. No Meetup near you? Look at the Adult Education classes in your community – their focus is social, learning how to knit or cook or make birdhouses is secondary. Find something you like or MIGHT like and then find an organization that does it. Friendships will then form - IF YOU LET THEM.
To have a friend you have to be a friend. You have to extend yourself. Offer your hospitality. Help someone out who needs a hand. And note – that doesn’t mean money. Money almost NEVER comes into play with real friendship so people who are all about the money are usually NOT your friend. Take your time and observe how people behave and see if they are worthy of your trust - and your friendship because your friendship is an incredibly valuable and precious thing, so precious that you couldn’t possibly manage to have more than say, seven REALLY CLOSE friends. I count myself lucky that I have two or three friends I could risk my life on. Having seven would be cornucopia of benificence. You have to NURTURE and maintain friendships. You can’t just call them once a year and expect the relationship to survive. You have to be there, partiicipate, commisserate, enjoy, laugh and be together. That takes time. After a certain number, the people you know are just acquaintances, maybe possible friends, but you won’t have the time to nurture and build deep lasting frienships with all of them. So observe and choose – and you will have the choice. There will be lots and lots of choices if you get out there and be where they are – because they are looking for you too!
There are many, many awesome people living in integrity, creating with open hearts and rich imagination. You can be one of them; the easiest way is to join their communities and friendships.
Doing things to fit in, doing things to seem cool, eats at your self-esteem. This happens slowly and gradually over the normal days of your lives, not just on one or two crazy nights. (Learn to say no. Most of us want to be loved, approved of, fit in, popular and so on. Unfortunately this also means saying a lot of yes when you really don’t want to for fear of offending others. I am not a baseball fan, but there is this expression in baseball called the “fat pitch”. It basically means as a batter you don’t swing at every pitch that is coming at you, you patiently wait for the statistically high probability pitch because you only have limited chances at swinging. You need to think life and business the same way. There are too many distractions and low quality encounters, you cannot partake in all of them, otherwise you will be dragged down. Constantly ask yourself if what you are about to spend your time on actually help you advance your cause, if not, why are you doing it? I have trained my sales staff to fire customers, yes, fire customers. If the customer isn’t economically viable for us to service, we are doing them a disservice by hanging on. We would certainly not able to run a business in a sustainable manner either. With people it is the same, you want to get ahead, then spend time with quality individuals, do not tolerate mediocrity. If you find yourself the lowest caliber person in the group, that would be fantastic!) Spend time with friends. When people go out, a lot of the emotionally draining time that they spend “out”, they try to meet other people. Meet other people during the day, doing activities you like to do besides drink and talk loud. Spend time with your friends, with your loved ones. Do things that you want to do. Don’t eat ass. I meant kiss ass. Watch standup comedy. You’ll be a funnier person
Drinking-Dancing-Karaoke Go out, drink a lot if you want, and have as much fun as possible with friends (without caring what others think) Essentially, go out. But go out with the mentality that you are going to have as much fun as possible tonight. Make sure your friends are on board. If you are having more fun than anyone in a given place, people will try to meet you. Your night will be a lot more fun because your homework assignment is literally to have fun. Things will be funnier. You will smile more. You will dance, hopefully. You might play whatever game there is at the bar, joke with the bartender, be that really fun/funny new person that someone else gets to meet. Go Dancing/Kareoke-ing with friends. Go nuts. Pretend no one is looking when you dance. They’ll look. Pretend no one is looking when you sing. They’ll look. You’ll meet people very easily. You’ll feel really, really good and you won’t know why. Maybe it is all that time that you spent smiling.
1-1 Intimate Conversation. Have a mind-blowing conversation with a friend.** Ideally this is the friend from idea number one. Someone you are close with. Make this person your best friend for the night. Spill your guts. Get them involved. Emotions. Crazy emotions. What scares you. What used to scare you. What do you want that no one else knows? Play the question game. Literally say “let’s play the question game” where you get to ask each other any question and they have to respond (hint, this is a great and memorable thing to do on a first date). Examples of good questions: what is something I don’t know about you? What is something not many people know about you? You said something about X the other (day/week/month), how is it? Remember, this is a conversation. You have to share too.
Down Memory Lane with a bunch of old friends. Get together a bunch of people and play poker. Preferably a bunch of townie high school friends that you haven’t talked to in five years. You know what I mean. Catch up with people that you kind of used to hang around or even your old good friends. Shoot the shit. How are your lives going now? What are you all trying to do? Remember the time that we almost went to jail? Yeah that was crazy. And Bucky had us all smoking black and milds for a few months before we realized it was really stupid. Yeah. Wow. We were young. Four years ago
Treating a person to a meal never fails, and is so easy to do. It’s powerful with old friends and a great way to make new friends.
Get a Coach (different from Mentor) Example The strength of great advisers is in their ability to think about new and complex ideas with a clear sense of their own subjectivity. These people admit what they don’t know, avoid giving overly prescriptive advice, listen, and are hungry to learn. Perhaps most importantly, the best startup advisers have a near invincible optimism about your potential and that of your business.
Surround yourself with people whose presence is nourishiing When the world says No No No No No, and you hear a Yes, go towards that Yes as hard as you can. Deal with Toxic influences.If you have people in your life who stress you out, mooch off you, are mean to you, angry at you, or try to make you feel guilty all the time, set some boundaries. If that fails, get them out of your life if you can. Make a list of these people, and make this one of your top goals this year. Unfortunately, you might not be able to get rid of every toxic person. Don’t do business with dodgy people. Have friendships which are heelthy and enjoyable. Rock Friendships: People you can be off with, people who ask questions, people you are comfortable to be alone with, no weird unrequited love dynamic, not opposing life paths, no harboured resentment, no obsessive fb crush, no lopsidedAwkward Friendships we all have
Approaching an event (Networking Events, Dates, Meeting New People etc.)
Play the host Approach and Be approachable. Exude calm and sense of security, that is “I do not care about what other people think.” Be at home, instead of being like an intruder. Moving comfortably and gracefully. Spreading out your body to full comfort. Taking up a lot of space with your body. Sit where you will be noticed. Move with courage and confidence. Keep your body language open, tall, and engaging. Lean back, relax, smile, people watch, and make eye contact. You, nicely dressed, peppy, walk with charisma into the room, and act like you own the damn place. Imagine yourself as the man, and everybody else like an inanimate object. Feel as if you’ve built the building, like you’ve invited everyone to the party, like the people are yours to own. This may turn some folks off, but you don’t care about those. Walk in with a smile. Remember, other people are shy and anxious as well! Introduce yourself.
Have a good elevator pitch but throw it out along with other social scripts (How are you?) for a memorable conversation - who you are and what you bring to the table tell your story well and concisely. You want to give the other person a good idea of your skills, qualifications, and where you’re looking to go in your career. How do some people seem to wind up with advocates everywhere? They create a little mental model of themselves that makes it easy for everybody they meet.Everybody has a “projection” - a small representation - of each person they know living in their heads. You know that friend who’s “the badass interface designer who is looking to get into machine learning and consults?” She has an amazing projection and makes it easy for opportunities to find her.. In order to maximize the effectiveness of your projections, figure out which things you want to be associated with in people’s heads and be excited about them. Nothing is more memorable than distinct excitement. Similarly, try to figure out the things that drive the whomever you’re talking to and incorporate them into your mental representation of that person. The best way to encourage people to keep you in mind is to keep them in mind. (NOTE: Many people take this to the extreme and straight up ask the question: “how can I help?” This is exactly the sentiment you should have, but it makes your counterpart feel like you weren’t actually listening How do you build a strong projection? A strong story. Stories stick in people’s heads better than anything else. Make sure you have a good one. All you need is a short narrative with at least one compelling character (you), a captivating theme, and some kind of narrative arc. Think about your life as a series of towns connected by a road, where the towns are the relevant parts of your background connected by your theme. Frankly, most people won’t remember the towns at all. They’ll just viscerally remember whether the theme was compellingly supported.
Honing your Ask Reality check: people are going to remember at most three things about you. Make sure one of them is your ask- the most impactful thing they can do to help you. To maximize your ask, make it short, clear, and a single step. Otherwise, it will be harder to remember and execute. Making asks is often uncomfortable for smart successful people - you want to get by on your own and be so awesome that people will figure out how to help you on your own. This is not going to happen. On the other hand, if you have a clear actionable ask, people are eager to jump on it. Years ago, whenever I would travel somewhere, I would passively post “I’m going to be in town, who wants to hang out?” Maybe one or two people would respond if I was lucky. Now I actively ask friends who have lived there “who are the best people you know there? Can you put me in touch with them?” The result? Friendships and adventures. Some good examples of asks:
“I’m looking to get in touch with people who are director level or above in the elder care industry”
“I need a new apartment in San Francisco under $2200, preferably in the mission.”
“I’m looking for customer-facing jobs in robotics that take advantage of my unique combination of technical skills and people skills”
Why are they good?
Single Action to Execute - connect with people, or a link on the internet.
Detailed - they don’t force you to ask clarifying questions. Some good examples of asks:
“I’m looking to get in touch with people who are director level or above in the elder care industry”
“I need a new apartment in San Francisco under $2200, preferably in the mission.”
“I’m looking for customer-facing jobs in robotics that take advantage of my unique combination of technical skills and people skills”
Why are they good?
Single Action to Execute - connect with people, or a link on the internet.
Detailed - they don’t force you to ask clarifying questions.
I knew a girl in college who everyone wanted to be around. Whenever she was around, the gathering was filled with laughter and meaning. She was one person everyone wanted to talk to. Some of my old college friends still talk about our “good old days”—which included that mystical college girl who led our gatherings into realms of purpose, healing, spirituality, friendship and meaning.
This is what I discovered about her: No one really knew much about her. She wasn’t particularly “special” in anything—her wealth, looks, or smarts. One outstanding thing about her was that was quite pleasant, pleasant to the point that nothing out of the ordinary about her distracted us, and then, again, nothing really interesting, either. Yet she was the center of our gatherings, and everyone who was in the know, knew that she was the “life” of our gatherings. But, in retrospect, we really didn’t know much about her. Not surprising—because she never said much about herself.
She would stare at you, and as I recall, she had “delighted” eyes, as if you were a celebrity, a star that was interviewed by her. And she’d ask you anything: “I saw you reading Plato’s Republic; Isn’t it hard? I always wondered what it was all about.” “When did you come to Canada; Isn’t English crazy?” “Wow, love your shoes! Where did you get them?” And, it really didn’t matter what she asked, the conversation could go on for hours. No one ever yawned when she was around.
I think her “secret” may have been in her undivided attention to her audience, and not herself. She was the sort of investigative journalist who was obsessed with finding everything about whoever was in front of her —excepting that she was “digging” only for the most positive and the glorious. You’d always walk away with a new and deeper enlightening self-discovery that unifies your whole being.
Perhaps the greatest conversationalists can tune-in to other people, and are genuinely and “supportively” interested in them. For the time of being while she was around, all of us felt like stars. Reference
Here’s something (possibly related) that I can talk about: I am often the best person in the room at logical (as in syllogisms) reasoning and I’m also often the person in the room with the most “life experience.”
….
The biggest frustration this causes me is that it often renders me totally unable to talk. Sometimes, based on, say, my 15-years of marriage, I know the guy next to me is wrong when he waxes about “relationships” after only ever having one girlfriend in his life – and for only two weeks. But there’s often not much I can say. (Or if I do speak up, it won’t mean anything or change anything.) You can’t force experience on people. They will get that experience when they get it. They have to go live for themselves.
I am quite often stymied because conversations are “illogical” and I’m the only one who notices or cares. I realize early on that an entire conversation doesn’t make sense, and that it can’t make sense, until everyone stops and examines the root assumptions behind the conversation.
When I’m asked my opinion of the subject-at-hand, I freeze, because as far as I’m concerned, the subject is gibberish. On the other hand, I’ll rightly be branded a freak if I say what’s in my mind – usually something like “If we want talk meaningfully about what the ‘best’ science-fiction movie is, we need to first define ‘science-fiction’ and ‘best.’ We need to clarify what our metric is for best, and we need to decide whether aesthetic judgements are subjective or objective.”
What’s really going on here is that I’m getting stymied by my own skill. Yes, I can think logically and foundationally, and that helps me in my work. It also helps me have interesting thoughts about some topics I’m into. But it’s not grounded in the reality of most human discourse.
I am aware, of course, that most conversations are not working in a framework of formal logic. Rather, they are more like stream-of-consciousness, call-and-response systems. “What’s the best sci-fi movie?” doesn’t literally mean “What’s the best sci-fi movie?” In most conversations it means “I’m opening up the topic of sci-fi movies. Discuss it in any way that you’d like. Riff on my opening salvo…”
I know this, and I can sometimes flip into that framework, but my “intelligence” makes it harder for me than it is for “stupider” people. I hear a statement that’s superficially in the form of a formal-logic statement, and my brain goes into formal-logic mode. I can’t stop myself from thinking – and dwelling on – “you just said X but that contradicts your earlier claim that Y…”
So in those situations, who is really the smartest person in the room? The guy acting like (or at least thinking like) Mr. Spock – the guy having trouble relating to the others in a casual, interesting way – Or the guy who knows how to have a conversation without getting bogged down in literalism and inappropriate frameworks?
Be genuinely interested in a person: What was your background? The most interesting project they worked on? Ask open ended questions. Can spring from observing your surroundings. Be genuinely interested. Get their story out. Be a patient listener (it is this, not fast talking, that gets a con man his coups). Learn to master questions - One of the best ways to show you’re a great listener is to ask great questions that are really relevant to the topic someone’s talking about. Have a genuine curiosity to get to know people. The second key to being well spoken is by asking questions you genuinely care or are curious about, versus ones you think will make you sound smart or clever. People palpate authenticity from the way a question is used: whether it is a genuine question, or just a way to make the asker show cleverness or superiority. Of course, questions can be genuine AND clever, as long as your questions are truthful to your interest and engagement. Have something to talk about: pay attention to timely topics and pay attention to what other people are paying attention to. It doesn’t all have to come from “you” – I have few original ideas and even fewer insightful ones – but I can share insight I have observed or read about from others, and I can be a bridge or connector in a conversation. You may want to start by becoming a connector or bridge in a conversation, versus a “driver” of conversations.
For storytelling, merely committing is not enough. Know yourself. Be vulnerable. Have to be about you, Have to come tangentially.If it helps, a story is usually a helpful way to explain an idea.Be attuned to the listeners, what they are interested in
Paraphrase Paraphrasing is the swiss army knife of communication: allows you to reframe, or pause, or think about the answer.
How to have a memorable conversation?
Smalltalk a request to engage only in this non-verbal connection for a fleeting moment. You don’t need to be “good” at it. It really doesn’t matter what you say. Say anything and the ball keeps rolling for a few moments longer. You can find compassion towards the person who initiates it instead of contempt: They are actually asking to warm by your fire for a little bit. They are not testing/dueling you.
Smalltalk is improv. It’s yes… and. You take turns with the hot potato. You take your turn and then pass it. It’s creating a story. Take whatever what was passed to you, add something quirky and then pass it back. It’s fun to add something off the wall, a bit ridiculous. Doing this takes courage. You WILL make mistakes. At times, you may cringe at yourself. Putting yourself out there, taking small risks is the spice of life. When you fail, embrace it and move on. Don’t look back. If you smile and keep a bright attitude, then that becomes infectious. If showing up is 90%, then the right attitude is showing up. The quickest way to screw this up is to be toxic.
don’t confuse personal (“I like to travel”) with private (“I’m in the middle of an inheritance dispute”).
come up with some good answers to the questions that you are pretty much guaranteed to be asked. For example, if someone asks where you’re from, reformulate that question in your mind and make it more specific: “What brought you to where you are currently living?” Giving an unexpected response to a frequently asked question will change the dynamic of any conversation.
It’s easier to say goodbye when you have the floor than to wait for the other person to take a breath and then abruptly say, “I’m going to go now, goodbye.
if you make reference to something that was discussed earlierin the conversation, you show your counterpart that you’ve been listening and leave them with a good feeling. “It was nice talking to you. I thought what you said about the documentary series was really interesting. I will definitely look into it. I have to go now, I hope you have a great evening.”
non-verbally communicate the fact you want to say goodbye. Depending on the situation, you can do that by putting down your glass and moving away slightly – or the opposite: you can move closer to your counterpart and lift your hand towards them as if to touch them, or actually touch them. It all depends on your relationship with the person you’re talking to.
Keep a positive attitude (don’t forget the smile) even when you’re feeling attacked. If you can’t bear it, then keep a number of exit strategies in your bag of tricks and pull one of them. You have to get going. Someone is expecting you. You need to take a call, etc. If you choose to stay, then you have to stay deft and keep the air light. Don’t let someone pin you down into a corner where you have to defend yourself. Continue keeping things light and a bit ridiculous and the air will change. You might even gain some respect.
joining in group start thinking about what you are going to say when you get a chance to speak. For example, “I just heard you talking about good restaurants and thought: I definitely need to go introduce myself!” Whatever you say should have something to do with the group or situation, and it should be genuine.
Sometimes small talk is good. E.g. elevator Pitches for networking events, or where the engagement is formal. Break small talk only when you want to.
My first chance to put this new strategy into practice came with a woman I met at a party a few weeks later. She laughed when I explained my theory on big talk versus small talk and agreed to be the guinea pig. She was moving away the next week, so we both knew we’d have only this one date, but we pledged to do all we could to avoid small talk. That night, we talked big and we talked deep. I learned about her brother’s drug problem, about the ex she had left years before and about the feelings she still had for him. But we also joked about things both silly and shallow, managing to convince strangers that we had met in a fairground bumper-car accident, and recoiling in mock fright from a meal that was still wiggling on our plates. We laughed and we cried, and we learned nothing that would go on a résumé. Later, we kissed.
Anchor on something common, reveal about you, encourage with a question. Start anywhere. All starting points are equally valid. (‘Nice weather we’re having). Begin with what seems obvious or your inner Rolodex of topics. Once it is under way any task seems smaller. Trust your mind. Edit and develop ideas as you speak. What is ordinary to you is often a revelation to others.
“How are you?” Move the short conversation forward by replying why you’re “good.” “I’m good. I just started a book/podcast/TV show and I’m really enjoying it. Have you heard of it?” Or mention something office-related, where there’s a shared common experience: “I’m good. They restocked the cold brew in the kitchen and it’s so strong. Have you tried it?”
But eliminate the dull droning on about facts and figures — whether it’s snowing or raining, how cold it is, what we do for work, how long it takes to get to work, where we went to school — all those things that we think we have to talk about with someone new but that tell us little about who the person really is. Replace mindless chatter about commuting times with a conversation about our weightiest beliefs and most potent fears. Questions that reveal who we are and where we want to go
Unless you really know what you’re doing, you should keep the conversation to safe, professional topics. Ask questions about their work that you genuinely want answered. Ask them about the people they work with. Figure out who you know (that is, professionally) in common. Say things like, “I hear that your school has started a new such-and-such program; is that something you were involved in?”, or “So-and-so from your group joined our faculty recently; nice person, interesting work”. If other people, projects, or laboratories come up in the conversation, say whatever positive things you honestly have to say about them – avoid criticism and negativity.
Ask questions. We’re all ultimately pretty narcissistic at heart.
Food. You’ll rarely find someone who can’t spout a Shakespearean-esque monologue about their favorite meals. * “I’m so hungry Greg. If I was being executed tonight, my last meal would be a full rack of BBQ ribs and a bucket of onion rings. What would you have?” * “Susan, I had the most fantabulous gelato the other day. Guava strawberry with a wafer on top. You lean more towards ice cream or yogurt?” * Note: I purposefully exaggerated the sensibilities of Susan and Greg. This isn’t indicative of how I think men vs women operate in the world. They’re just familiar archetypes I think many have experience with before.
Discuss things you care about Topics relating to your professional field, for example, an article you saw or book you read, is a great place to start.
Something weird or interesting happen to you recently. Workshop (in your mind, at least) that story ahead of time to unveil at your next office outing.
“What are you interested in these days?
Tell me what fascinates you!
“How is your day going?”
“Are you having a good day?”
What’s happening today? (Instead of What’s up?)
What’s the funniest thing that’s ever happened to you?”
“What’s a stupid thing that always makes you laugh?
Where all have you travelled? What place inspired you the most and why?
Instead of . . . “How are you?” “How was your day?” “Where are you from?” “What do you do?” “What line of work are you in?” “What’s your name?” “How was your weekend?” “What’s up?” “Would you like some wine?” “How long have you been living here?”
Try . . . “What’s your story?” “What did you do today?” “What’s the strangest thing about where you grew up?” “What’s the most interesting thing that happened at work today?” “How’d you end up in your line of work?” “What does your name mean? What would you like it to mean?” “What was the best part of your weekend?” “What are you looking forward to this week?” “Who do you think is the luckiest person in this room?” “What does this house remind you of?” “If you could teleport by blinking your eyes, where would you go right now?”
Mirrored example: James: It’s a beautiful day! John: Yes, it is a beautiful day!
See? By mirroring James’s opinion and language, John has followed the social norm, but he’s also paralyzed the discussion and missed a moment of fun. Instead, John needs to practice the art of disruption and move the dialogue forward:
Non-mirrored example: James: It’s a beautiful day! John: They say that the weather was just like this when the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor. If that actually happened.
Leapfrog over the expected response An even better way to break the boring-conversation mirror is to skip over the expected response, and go somewhere next-level:
Instead of : Ron: How was your flight? Carlos: My flight was good!
Beverly: It’s hot today. Gino: Yeah, it sure is hot.
Riz: What’s up? Keil: Hey, what’s up?
Try: Ron: How was your flight? Carlos: I’d be more intrigued by an airline where your ticket price was based on your body weight and IQ.
Beverly: It’s hot today. Gino: In this dimension, yes.
Riz: What’s up? Keil: Washing your chicken just splatters the bacteria everywhere.
Match their energy, then add 10%.
“We go way back”
“We were separated when we were young”
“We planned all this”
Bad Practice: Don’t try to argue with people ‘just for the sake of it’ or to ‘test if they come up with good counter-points’. It’s disrespectful. If you really want to talk about an issue in a debate format, express your desire and see whether the other person agrees or not. Do not pick up debates or arguments for the sake of intellectual discussion.
Good Practice: If you disagree or have strong opinions, disagree in a polite way Show/don’t tell kind of way by agreeably leading the person to the absurd conclusions (only with people you want to do this to, especially pretentious people who care about high status). Practice Satire.
Bad Practice: Don’t gossip or bitch or complain.
Good practice: Buddy up
It’s not easy being charismatic, funny, witty and sharp all the time in conversation in your own. One great way to make conversations easier is to pair up with a good friend when you chat with others. This way you have someone there that you can always lean on in case the new conversation doesn’t flow that well.
Good practice: Tell stories with an Us Mentality
Creating togetherness through storytelling aka “Us mentality”. Basically when talking with a person you create a story around yourselves, a bubble for your own reality. This can be applied to an individual person but it’s also used as a common technique by public speakers when trying to pull the audience into their own reality. Us mentality can be projected in any tense: Past: “Oh, I didn’t know you went to Jamaica last year. Imagine if we both met there how much fun we would’ve had doing this and that etc… I have a friend who knows this place etc…” Present: “Why are you here at this event? Oh networking for your startups? How about the two us team up together and help each other find the right people for our business, I have some friends that might help you and you can also introduce me to your niche because I’m interested. It will be our own little internal conspiration, they won’t know what hit them” Future: “Oh you like doing long road trips? Have you ever been on a Eurotrip? Imagine how cool it would be if we went exploring together. I can be the driver, you can hold the map and direct me, I’m really bad at directions”This builds comfort and also makes people feel that they are onto something that no one else knows.
Good Practice: Introduce other people
Soon as you meet one person, introduce that person to the next person—and add in a playful, “Hey, have you met so-and-so? We go way back.”
Awesome introductions - When you introduce someone, don’t just introduce them by name. Tell a story about them and praise them. People will love you for this and it creates a natural flow into a longer conversation.
Good practice: Always take another person with you when you go to get food.
At least stand around two/three person when you eat even if you don’t talk to them. Try to eat before a party because otherwise you wouldn’t be able to talk to people and you don’t want to be seen stuffing food into your mouth all the time. Also, don’t move your hands much when you are in a group conversation.
Good practice: In a group conversation, look at the person for a while before you want to address someone. It redirects the focus of the group to that person and makes them feel like they are the center of attention. In general you can control the group conversation easily by this technique. Just remember to give everyone their fair share of attention.
Situation: How to shake hands?
Someone else said something to the effect of “Turn your hand over so your palm is facing down. That shows dominance.” Okay sure, but do you always want to show dominance? Is it ALL ALPHA ALL THE TIME with you? If so, you might be a jerk. You should be able to divide the people with whom you shake hands into three rough categories:
Good practice: Care about names. Situation: I don’t remember/know their name but it’s too late to ask
Situation: I don’t want to kill the conversation’s momentum but I don’t really have anything to contribute/ Run out of things to say? Awkward conversation.*
Parrot Pick a keyword/phrase and simply repeat it back with kind of an inquisitive tone. Sounds far too simple to work, but it totally works:
You: [Okay, now I have something to say] “I mostly drink lattes. The milk is rich in protein.”
Situation: Want to end the conversation
No one wants to feel stuck in a conversation. Having an exit plan will make you feel more comfortable jumping into those conversations. End Gracefuly. With a compliment and summary.
I really appreciate the advice on. Well, thanks for …
“I’ve got to run, it was nice meeting you [Name].”
“I’m in a rush.” “Hi, I have 5 minutes before I need to run and do this errand but I just wanted to ask you if…”. * This is especially good when meeting new people and you notice they are extra introverted, shy or in a hurry. Some people feel trapped and surrounded when someone pushes themselves onto them. By setting a deadline for the interaction they are more at ease and open.
Be Honest and Courteous
I would love to talk but i have to hurry… would you like to meet up sometime later..”
Well/So…its been great catching up with you.
“Just wanted to ensure..”
“I don’t want to monopolise your time.”
“Ah, but don’t let me keep you.”
If they approached:
: “Is there anything else i can help you with”
Lets go checkout the X. Have you met my friend.
Have a purpose and be honest.
Can you introduce me to?/ Do you know anyone here..”
“I wanted to talk to the host”
“Lets go say hi!/ lets checkout the buffet”
Situation: Ran into someone you want to get to know more. What to do?
Find a not-creepy way to be near her, close enough that two normal people might actually talk to each other without, you know, an ulterior motive. Talk to her about the kinds of things you might have in common with any human in that place and time. It can be virtually ANYTHING. Literally I’d rather have a total stranger say “Nice weather we’re having” then walk over and say, in essence, they have judged this book by its cover and they want it for themselves. You don’t even know if this is a textbook or a graphic novel, foo’! Here are some other ideas to get you started (note that questions have higher response rates than non-questions):
Asking for directions, the time, or whether she thinks it might rain are all acceptable. When she answers you can follow up with relatable commentary (“Wow, I hope I find that place in time for my meeting!” “Oh, man, my boss is not going to love it when I show up looking ready for a wet t-shirt contest thanks to this busted umbrella.”)
Just remember, relatability is essential. A wee bit of vulnerability is often very relatable (note the nervousness conveyed in the above examples) Interestingly, it is often the confident who are willing to talk about the things that make them a bit nervous–and confidence is a very attractive trait. (But arrogance or self-aggrandizement is a huge turnoff so I’m emphasizing relatability here.)
Bonus points for humor, of course. Often things are funny because they are relatable.
Then follow up with more words when she responds–this is a thing called “conversation” and it’s how humans connect. Then after a few lines, put out your hand for a handshake and say, “I’m Todd, by the way” or whatever your name is. In other words, be normal.
Then keep talking and try to make the conversation awesomer, to a sufficient level of awesome that you can plausibly say (and she might plausibly agree) something about how awesome and fun it is to talk to her and that you should continue talking later. Humor in this phase is really helpful.
Note: If it’s a really great conversation, she may be interested in meeting you again even if she’s not romantically available to you. So IF, later in the conversation when you ask her to meet you and talk more, you want her to say no if she’s not interested in you as a potential romantic partner, now is a good time to compliment a single aspect of her appearance. This will convey in a non-creepy way some level of romantic interest from you. Here’s how:
Complimenting her coat, a statement necklace, or her great shoes–anything it looks like she deliberately chose and maybe expresses her style–is a good and subtle choice. (Complimenting ratty sweatpants will come across as either sarcastic or trying too hard.) That might be a line of conversation–where she found the item or whether those shoes are comfortable. Note that “statement pieces” like a really note-worthy or eye-catching or unusual jacket or accessory are called “statement” for a reason: they are worthy of conversation and she will likely be open to talking about them. You will get to know if she loves vintage or got it from her grandmother or wears this jacket to all her interviews or bought this scarf because it doubles as a picnic blanket in a pinch.
Complimenting her hair or eyes is a very clear communication of romantic intent but you have to give her time to say thanks and then move on quickly; it’s not a comfortable line of conversation. (“I love your eyes, where did you get them?” “Umm, God/my mom/I made them myself”… NO. Awkward. Don’t make her feel awkward.)
Eventually, you wanna wrap things up. If it starts to get awkward, wrap it up quickly! It’s better to have a very brief conversation that is great than a longer conversation that is 20% awkward (any amount of awkward expands to fill the space–unless it’s you personally feeling awkward and you can turn it around to be funny and relatable.)
It’s often helpful and shows that you didn’t have an ultimatum but you do have a life if you “have to run.” And then you can say, for example, “I’d love to keep talking but I have to run. Maybe you can meet for lunch?” And her answer will tell you how much she is interested or able to meet up with you again. “Later” can even be “now” if the situation is such that you could say, for example, “I was just on my way to grab a coffee–care to join me?”
Many times, especially with a beautiful woman who gets chatted up all the time, the answer will still be no. She’s taken, or she’s busy, or she’s just not that into you. BUT. If you have a chance at all of getting with her, this is the best way of getting from “two complete strangers who happen to be in the same place at the same time” to “two complete strangers who are getting to know each other more and from that point anything could happen.”
While Travelling:
How to break the ice then? Dr. Epley suggests simply saying to that stranger on the bus or in the cafe: “Hi, I’m visiting. Can you tell me what I ought to see in town?”
“Everybody loves to brag about their city,” he said. Or offer a compliment, he suggested. “As experienced solo travelers know, opportunities for pleasurable connections are everywhere: trains, planes, parks, bars, museums, walking tours, group hikes. Yet should all that fail, technology provides seemingly innumerable ways to increase the odds.
“Hey, I’d totally regret it if I didn’t introduce myself to you. May I?” You might get one “yes” for every ten “nos” but I promise those “nos” will be immediately forgotten and if you learn to laugh it off as a natural, clumsy, endearing attempt at finding a sticky collision with someone who piques your interest for whatever the reason ~ the fear you feel will evolve into excitement”
References